在婚礼的喧嚣中，一场特殊的游戏悄然上演。赢家的笑容，输家的泪珠，在这场“零和游戏”中交织出五味杂陈的婚姻画卷。

Amid the hustle and bustle of the wedding, a special game quietly unfolded. The smiles of the winners and the tears of the losers intertwined to paint a complex tapestry of marriage in this "zero-sum game."

1. 婚姻就像一副牌局，总是有人输，有人赢，不能让参与各方都赢。所以，没有一场婚姻是真正圆满的。

1. Marriage is like a card game, where there are always some winners and some losers, and it is impossible for all parties involved to win. Therefore, no marriage can be truly perfect.

2. 如果不争，那你在女儿的婚姻中就是完全被牺牲者，满盘皆输。

2. If you do not fight, then you are completely the victim in your daughter's marriage, and you have lost everything.

3. 在美国中国留学生比较大的一个问题就是对他人尊重的态度把握不够，有时对教授过于敬重，有时又对他人不够尊重。就以最开始的第二个例子为例，很多中国同学在其他国籍学生在场的时候始终用中文聊天并且没有丝毫的解释，这一行为常常会惹怒很多人。因为对于并不懂中文的第三方而言，这样的场景既尴尬又不明所以，自然会心生不满。即使确实是因为语言问题没法用英文表达，我也建议同学们在需要切换语言时，简单告知在场的非中文语系的同学情况，再使用中文交流。其他的一些关于尊重的问题也有很多，包括对服务员的态度及小费、如果交流谈话等。简言之，对他人的尊重，才能赢得尊重。关于尊重和自由的度，希望大家在美国生活的各类细节中慢慢体会，自己调整把握合适的度。

3. One significant issue faced by Chinese students studying in the United States is their inadequate grasp of showing respect to others. Sometimes, they may be overly respectful to professors, while at other times, they may not show enough respect to others. Taking the second example at the beginning as an example, many Chinese students continue to chat in Chinese in the presence of students from other nationalities without any explanation, and this behavior often irritates many people. Because for the third party who does not understand Chinese, such a scene is both embarrassing and inexplicable, which naturally leads to resentment. Even if it is indeed due to language issues and it is impossible to express in English, I suggest that the students simply inform their non-Chinese speaking peers of the situation before using Chinese for communication. There are also many other issues related to respect, including attitudes towards waiters and tips, and how to handle conversations. In short, respect for others is the key to earning respect. Regarding the balance between respect and freedom, I hope everyone can gradually understand and adjust the appropriate level of respect through various details of life in the United States.

4. 我说：其实我们不满意的婚姻，已经是当时能够做出的最好选择。在婚姻的博弈中，你的赢面已经很大，如果不让你的妻子一家赢一点，婚姻是会破产的。

4. I said: Actually, the marriage we are unsatisfied with is already the best choice we could make at that time. In the game of marriage, your winning chance is already quite high. If you don't let your wife's family win a bit, the marriage will go bankrupt.

5. 两头婚，你的妻子是独生女，以后岳父母的财产是你们的，孩子跟你姓，又是你的妻子和岳父母带，你妻子一家牺牲很大，如果还不再称呼或者名分上赢一点，他们会想不通。

5. In a dual marriage, your wife is an only child, and in the future, your in-laws' property will be yours. The children will take your surname, and it will be your wife and her parents who raise them. Your wife's family has made great sacrifices. If you still don't gain a bit more in terms of addressing them or status, they might not understand.

6. 在我13岁来美国时，我的班级除了美国本地人之外，还有着来自波多黎各、墨西哥、西班牙、法国、印度等等国家的同学。那时候凭着对世界万物强大的好奇心，我努力练习英文去和他们沟通交流。刚开始，由于一些同学的英语也是第二语言，我们的沟通有些时候会变成非常滑稽的鸡同鸭讲式对话。但在这过程中，我能逐渐从一些皮毛类的小事去了解那个人甚至是那个人的国家和文化。在后来去法国交换期间，我惊喜的发现，那些年少时期累积下来的”小知识“最终帮助我在法国无障碍四处游走，并且能理解很多本地笑话。

6. When I came to America at the age of 13, my class included students from Puerto Rico, Mexico, Spain, France, India, and many other countries, besides native Americans. Back then, driven by a powerful curiosity about the world around me, I worked hard to practice English in order to communicate with them. Initially, since some of the students' English was also a second language, our conversations sometimes turned into comical conversations where we spoke past each other. But through this process, I was able to gradually understand the people, even their countries and cultures, from the smallest of details. Later, during an exchange trip to France, I was surprised to find that the "small knowledge" accumulated from my younger years ultimately helped me navigate France effortlessly and understand many local jokes.

7. 朋友阿肖和妻子一家发生了激烈的矛盾，原因是：他们夫妻属于两头婚，男不娶女不嫁，一起搭伙过日子。

7. Friend A Xiao and his wife's family had a fierce conflict, the reason being: they are both from polygamous marriages, where neither man marries nor woman is married; they live together as a household.

8. 他说：很喜欢，但和她结婚麻烦事多。

8. He said: I really like it, but there are many troubles in getting married with her.

9. 吵来吵去，问题没解决，双方关系非常僵。

9. They argued and argued, but the problem was not resolved, and the relationship between the two parties became very tense.

10. 对于每位留美学生，一直绕不开的关于“圈子”的问题大致就是这几类：你有没有外国朋友？你能不能融入美国？你有没有成功打进一些“高大上”的圈子？可以肯定的是，在讲究社交和人情的世俗观念里，朋友圈的容量大小、品质高低是评估个人成功指数的一大标准。这套标准在国内适用，在国外似乎也行得通。

10. For every student studying in the United States, the issue of "circles" that constantly surrounds them is roughly of this nature: Do you have foreign friends? Can you integrate into American society? Have you successfully broken into some "high and mighty" circles? It can be confidently said that in the secular观念 that emphasizes social connections and interpersonal relationships, the size and quality of one's social circle are a major criterion for assessing personal success. This standard is applicable at home and seems to work abroad as well.

11. 吃亏一点或许可以接受，吃亏太多都接受不了，这是你就会想在名分上赢一些回来，就回去争姓以及外孙对自己的称呼。

11. Suffering a small loss might be acceptable, but when the loss is too great, it becomes unbearable. This is when you might want to win back some ground in terms of titles, and then argue over surnames and how your grandsons refer to you.

12. 他向我抱怨：如果重新选择，他根本不想认识自己现在的老婆，只怪自己当时太糊涂。

12. He complained to me: If he could choose again, he wouldn't want to have met his current wife at all, blaming himself for being too foolish at the time.

13. 对于刚来的学生，一些awkward moments是完全可以理解的，但如果你已经来美国很长时间却不了解一些基本礼仪，那只能说明你对了解美国这个国家的文化并没有太用心。具体礼仪的学习渠道有很多，多看美国**、情景喜剧、多去美式餐厅点几次菜，观察同学们教授们之间的互动，甚至上网Google等都可以。

13. It is perfectly understandable to have some awkward moments for new students, but if you have been in the United States for a long time and still aren't familiar with some basic etiquette, it can only suggest that you haven't been too eager to understand the culture of this country. There are many channels to learn specific etiquette, such as watching American movies, sitcoms, ordering dishes in American-style restaurants several times, observing interactions between students and professors, or even searching on Google.

14. 类似的排斥心态在第二种情况中也有体现，一些同学拒绝甚至不愿意去和其他国家的人交流，把原因归结在嫌自己英语不够好、怕丢脸，或者直接归结于外国人很无趣、理解不了笑点等种族偏见上。这些心态同样也是在还未尝试过交流之前，就树立了偏见与门槛。

14. Similar attitudes of exclusion are also evident in the second situation, where some students refuse to or are unwilling to communicate with people from other countries, attributing the reason to their own lack of proficiency in English, fear of embarrassment, or directly to racial prejudices such as foreigners being boring or not understanding humor. These attitudes also establish biases and barriers before attempting any form of communication.

15. 需要特别提示的是，向外扩展朋友圈是件不容易的事情，这不仅对中国留学生来说很难，对于外国留学生也是如此。尴尬和冷场或许是不可避免的，但我依旧希望我们的同学能变得更开放一些，对外界的好意对话能够主动回复，并试着去和不同的人交流。既然站在了世界上文化最多元的土地上，为什么不试着去体验它的多元性呢？

15. It is particularly worth mentioning that expanding one's social circle is not an easy task, and this is difficult not only for Chinese students studying abroad but also for international students. Embarrassment and awkward silences may be inevitable, but I still hope that our classmates can become more open. They should actively respond to kind gestures in conversations with others and try to communicate with different people. Since we are on the land with the most diverse cultures in the world, why not try to experience its diversity?

16. 从中国到美国，又从美国交换去法国，继而整个欧洲、日本这些年的旅行经历让我深刻感受到：当在两个以上的国家待过之后，你就会觉得完全融入某一个国家是毫无必要的事情。要做的不是融入，而是努力把自己建立的更”国际化“，变成无论去世界任何地方都能够适应的世界公民。

16. The travel experiences from China to the United States, then to France through an exchange, and subsequently to the entire Europe and Japan over the years have deeply impressed me: After staying in two or more countries, you will find that it is unnecessary to completely integrate into one country. The task is not to integrate, but to strive to become more "international," transforming oneself into a world citizen who can adapt to any place in the world.

17. 我说：如果给你两个选择，一个是选择现在的老婆结婚，必然会有这些烦恼事。另一个是选择和一个没什么感觉的女人结婚，没有这些烦恼事，你怎么选？

I said: If you are given two choices, one is to marry the wife you have now, you will inevitably have these troubles. The other is to marry a woman with whom you have no feelings, and there will be no such troubles. How would you choose?

18. 实际上，外国人圈和中国朋友圈不应成为零和游戏中的对峙双方。圈子可以共存，也可以多元化，而不是囿于单一类似的朋友圈。

18. In fact, foreigners and Chinese friends should not be seen as adversaries in a zero-sum game. The circles can coexist and be diverse, rather than being confined to a single, similar circle of friends.

19. 孩子诞生后，女方要求喊自己父母爷爷奶奶，而不是外公外婆，朋友不认同，但终究拗不过妻子一家，被迫接受现实，但他一直耿耿于怀，经常因为这个问题和妻子吵架。

19. After the child was born, the woman demanded that her parents and grandparents be called instead of her mother-in-law and father-in-law. The friends did not agree, but in the end, he couldn't stand against his wife's family and had to accept the reality, but he has always been indignant about it, often arguing with his wife over this issue.

20. 可能一些同学会认为来美国只是为了更好地学习，实际上，美国这个汇聚了全世界民族和人种的地方能提供的不仅是优秀的教育资源，还有丰富、多元甚至是强大的人际资源。在美国，你能遇上各种不同家庭背景、国籍、种族、宗教信仰的人，通过这些个体，你能了解到的也许是一个国家的文化、生活方式、甚至是国家制度。在其他环境下，可能你都不会再有机会遇上这么多不同的人，即使有，也不会再有充裕时间了解他们。如果留学的这几年都花费在了和相似背景的同学们在一起，看早已熟悉的电视节目，实在是一种浪费。

20. Some students may think that coming to the United States is only for better study, but in fact, America, a place that gathers people of all ethnicities and races from around the world, can offer more than excellent educational resources. It also provides rich, diverse, and even powerful social resources. In the United States, you can meet people from various family backgrounds, nationalities, races, and religious beliefs. Through these individuals, you may come to understand a country's culture, way of life, and even its political system. In other environments, you might not have the opportunity to meet so many different people, even if you do, there won't be enough time to get to know them. Spending these years of studying abroad with students from similar backgrounds, watching TV shows that you are already familiar with, is truly a waste.

21. 婚姻其实是参与各方利益博弈的结果，有人赢得名分，必须让渡利益。有人赢得利益，必须让渡名分。整体上实现一种均衡的态势，否则，婚姻无法继续。

21. Marriage is actually the result of a game of interests among the participating parties. Some may win status, but must give up interests. Others may win interests, but must give up status. Overall, it achieves a balanced state, otherwise, the marriage cannot continue.

22. 这两种极端情况似乎把留学生的朋友圈推向了一个二选一的难题，要么混外国人圈，要么混中国人圈。处在中间地带的人寥寥无几，也时时要面对着圈子比例的平衡。

22. These two extreme situations seem to have pushed the social circles of international students into a difficult dilemma: either to mix with the foreigner circles or with the Chinese circles. There are very few people in the middle ground, and they are also constantly faced with the challenge of balancing the proportion of different circles.

23. 可能会有同学认为，针对第一种情况，牺牲中国朋友这个圈子没什么大不了，来国外读书又不是为了交中国朋友的。这样完全的排斥实际上是对中国朋友圈和外国朋友圈树立了偏见与门槛，假设只有在外国圈子里交到的朋友才是“高大上的”、“值得交往的”，而中国朋友的圈子却是要“低一级”、“无意义的”。

23. Some students may think that for the first situation, sacrificing the circle of Chinese friends is not a big deal, as studying abroad is not for making Chinese friends. Such a complete exclusion actually sets up biases and thresholds for both the Chinese friendship circle and the foreign friendship circle. It assumes that only friends made within the foreign circle are "high-class" and "worthwhile," while the circle of Chinese friends is considered "lower-class" and "meaningless."

24. 婚姻最大的忌讳就是赢家通吃，婚姻最好的状态，就是让利益、名分、情绪价值等因素实现均衡的分配。

24. The greatest taboo in marriage is the winner takes all approach, and the best state of marriage is to achieve an equitable distribution of factors such as interests, status, and emotional values.

25. 另外，谈及圈子与社交，我也很想简要分享一下关于美国社交礼仪的一些tips。有很多刚来的留学生朋友非常担心自己到了国外因为不知道如何点餐、如何说客套话等等社交礼仪而面临尴尬的场景，关于此事我想说的是:Don't be afraid，you’ll get them sooner 对于真正尊重他人的美国人来说，你对美国社会礼仪常识的缺乏是可以理解和接受的，并不会因为你的无心举动而迁怒或者怪罪于你。相反，很多人也许会帮助你逐渐了解正确的做法。你不必为了自己不知道美国社会礼仪而感到自卑，但你需要付出一定的时间和努力去了解、学习社会礼仪。

25. Additionally, when it comes to circles and social interactions, I also want to briefly share some tips about American social etiquette. Many newly arrived international students are very worried that they may encounter embarrassing situations abroad due to their lack of knowledge about how to order food, how to say polite phrases, and other social etiquette. About this, I want to say: Don't be afraid, you'll pick them up sooner. For truly respectful Americans, your lack of knowledge about American social etiquette is understandable and acceptable, and it will not lead to resentment or blame on you for your unintentional actions. On the contrary, many people may help you gradually understand the correct practices. You don't need to feel ashamed of not knowing American social etiquette, but you do need to invest some time and effort to learn and understand social etiquette.

26. 朋友圈不能多元化？也许只是你不够Open！

26. Can't the circle of friends be diversified? Maybe it's just that you're not open enough!

27. 很多人会假设来了美国的人都能马上莺歌燕舞、觥筹交错、混迹于各大名流圈子，有些微信朋友圈里晒出的照片也在强化这一印象。排除那些真的刚到就能搅动一池春水的少数派，大多数普通留学生和新移民刚赴美的生活实际上都是简单、茫然、甚至是孤独的。刚来时能建立起的社会关系往往来源于旧时联系、同学同事、教会组织甚至是邻居，而至于后来沉淀下来了多少、新发展了怎样的朋友，完全取决于个人。

27. Many people would assume that those who come to the United States can immediately enjoy themselves, mingling with the elite circles, but some photos shared on WeChat moments reinforce this impression. Excluding the minority who can stir up a pot of spring water from the very beginning, the lives of most ordinary international students and new immigrants upon their arrival in the U.S. are actually simple, bewildering, and even lonely. The social connections they can establish at first often come from past acquaintances, classmates, colleagues, church organizations, or even neighbors. How much they settle down and what new friends they develop depend entirely on the individual.

28. 没有任何一场婚姻是没有遗憾，懂得经营婚姻的人，不过是在争取和妥协之间寻找到一个平衡点。

28. No marriage is without regrets. Those who understand how to manage a marriage merely strive to find a balance between pursuit and compromise.

29. 问题在于，“交朋友”这一行为本应是多元的、涵盖面广泛的。每一个能成为朋友的人带来的都会是不同的信息和感悟。朋友和圈子应当是根据共享的特点、背景及喜好自然形成和融入的，强行融入某个圈子或者抛弃某个圈子都会带来得不偿失的结果（所谓圈子不同，不必强融）。无论是外国人圈或者是中国人圈，首先得学会变得开放一些（Be Open）,愿意去接受并欣赏不同事物的存在，才能真正让自己找到合适的朋友。

29. The issue lies in the fact that the act of "making friends" should ideally be diverse and all-encompassing. Each person who becomes a friend brings different information and insights. Friends and circles should naturally form and integrate based on shared characteristics, backgrounds, and preferences; forcing oneself into a certain circle or rejecting a certain circle will result in a loss greater than the gain (as the saying goes, "different circles, no need to force yourself in"). Whether it's a foreigner circle or a Chinese circle, one must first learn to be more open-minded (Be Open), willing to accept and appreciate the existence of different things, in order to truly find suitable friends.

30. 我说：你的开明必须有一个前提，就是未来女婿的经济能力明显要好。如果不是的话，你必须在经济上接济他们（没有父母忍心看着女儿过得苦），你一辈子积攒的财产要最后也要留给他们，而如果女婿一方相对贫穷，你会觉得自己很吃亏。

I said: Your enlightenment must have a premise, that is, the future son-in-law's economic ability must be significantly better. If not, you must support them economically (no parents can bear to see their daughter live in hardship), and you should leave the property you have accumulated over your lifetime to them at the very least. And if the son-in-law's side is relatively poor, you would feel like you are at a loss.

31. 来美近10年，“朋友圈”、“融入”、“认同感”这些词汇在我的生活里常常被加粗放大。习惯了各类发问，经历了各种各样的“圈子”，也自然也有了一些思考，今天写这篇文章与大家分享一下。

31. In the past nearly 10 years in the US, words like "circle of friends," "integration," and "sense of belonging" have often been emphasized in bold in my life. I'm accustomed to various types of questions, have experienced all sorts of "circles," and naturally, I've also had some thoughts. Today, I am writing this article to share them with you.

32. 目前而言，很多中国同学来到美国之后都主要和中国朋友玩。如果是因为确实喜好相同、交流更方便等原因成为朋友，这是无可厚非的事情。但很多时候，我观察到的却是很多同学在形成了自己的中国朋友圈之后就逐渐放弃了继续外扩自己的朋友圈，在美国和自己的朋友一起保持着”中国胃“、看中国电视节目，对其他国家的人也不再感兴趣。关于这点，我往往会感到非常可惜。

32. At present, many Chinese students come to the United States and mainly socialize with Chinese friends. If becoming friends is due to shared interests, easier communication, and other reasons, there is nothing wrong with that. However, I often observe that after forming their own Chinese social circle, many students gradually give up expanding their social network further. They maintain a "Chinese stomach" and watch Chinese TV programs with their friends in the U.S., and lose interest in people from other countries. About this, I often feel very sorry.

33. 我说：当时你喜欢她吗？

33. I said: Did you like her at that time?

34. “融入”与“礼仪”: it’s okay to live life your own way

34. "Integration" and "Etiquette": it's okay to live life in your own way.

35. 婚姻的本质，是参与各方利益的绑定和分配。感情、爱、宽容、甚至名分都是表象，利益分配才是真相。古人以“门当户对”作为择偶条件，就是窥破人性的结果。

35. The essence of marriage is the binding and distribution of the interests of all parties involved. Feelings, love, tolerance, and even status are just surface appearances, while the truth lies in the distribution of interests. The ancient practice of "matching a family with a family" as a condition for choosing a spouse was a result of understanding human nature.

36. 在婚姻生活中，我们既要坚持自己的原则，捍卫自己的核心利益，又要懂得妥协，顾及对方的利益诉求。这样才可能行稳致远，白头偕老。

36. In the marriage life, we must adhere to our own principles, defend our core interests, and also learn to compromise, taking into account the interests and demands of the other party. Only in this way can we move steadily towards the future and grow old together.

37. 与此相对的另一个极端就是：一些同学在刚来美国时就和中国同学们结成了“紧密联盟”，加之对自己英文不自信、对其他族裔带有偏见等原因，久而久之便再也不迈出中国朋友圈一步（目前很多留学生的情况即是如此）。由于长期和中国同学待在一起，一部分同学的英语语言能力提高很慢，甚至超不出英文点菜范围。

37. On the opposite extreme, some students form "close alliances" with Chinese classmates as soon as they arrive in the United States. Due to their lack of confidence in their English, prejudices against other ethnicities, and other reasons, over time, they no longer step out of their Chinese friend circle (this is the case for many international students currently). Because they spend a long time with Chinese classmates, the English language proficiency of some students improves very slowly, even to the extent that it does not exceed the range of ordering dishes in English.

38. 除了圈子类型，身在国外常会被问到的另一个问题就是”你能不能融入美国？“。关于这点，我的观点一直是：我们没有必要刻意融入美国，而是应努力让自己成为”世界公民“（cosmopolitan)。

38. Besides the type of circle, another common question asked when one is abroad is, "Can you integrate into American society?" Regarding this, my perspective has always been: we do not need to刻意 integrate into the United States; instead, we should strive to become "cosmopolitans" (world citizens).

39. 朋友阿肖还说：他只有一个独生女儿，以后他不会跟女婿争姓，也不会让外孙喊自己爷爷，就喊外公，因为他懂得女婿作为一个男人的诉求和感受。

39. Friend A Xiao also said: He has only one daughter, and in the future, he will not argue with his son-in-law over the surname, nor will he let his grandson call him grandfather, but外公, because he understands the demands and feelings of his son-in-law as a man.

40. 另外要重点突出说的一点是，无论对任何人事，请保持一个尊重的态度。美国社会对等级和老幼尊卑不太看重（除个别企业文化可能会非常注重hierarchy），但对人的平等和尊重的意识非常强。举个例子就是，你可以直呼教授的名字而不加任何前缀，但你不能用手指直指着教授对他大声呼喊 （That's rude）。

40. Another point that needs to be emphasized is that regardless of whom you are dealing with, please maintain a respectful attitude. American society does not place much emphasis on hierarchy and age-based respect (except that some corporate cultures may place a very strong emphasis on hierarchy), but there is a strong awareness of equality and respect for people. For example, you can address a professor by their name without any prefixes, but you should not point directly at a professor and shout at them loudly (That's rude).

41. 他说：当然选自己的老婆。

41. He said: Of course, choose his own wife.