在这个充满欢笑的家庭里，夫妻二人总能用那些“夫妻爆笑段子”将平淡的生活点缀得色彩斑斓。今天，就让我们跟随他们的脚步，一起走进这温馨而又搞笑的“夫妻笑罐子”吧！

In this family filled with laughter, the couple always uses those "couple laugh-out-loud anecdotes" to colorfully decorate their plain life. Today, let's follow their footsteps and join in this warm and humorous "couple laughter jar" together!

1. 我真的不知道。...

1. I really don't know.

2. 画家徐悲鸿以画马闻名于世。他作品中的马矫健矫健，姿态各异，或飞奔，或回眸嘶鸣，或飞驰。

2. The painter Xu Beihong is renowned for his paintings of horses. The horses in his works are robust and agile, displaying various poses, sometimes galloping, sometimes looking back and neighing, or sometimes racing.

3. 看到狗狗拉粑粑，老公对我说：如果你给我块钱我敢舔。于是我给老公元，然后这货舔了舔元。

3. When I saw the dog defecating, my husband said to me, "If you give me a certain amount of money, I dare to lick it." So I gave my husband a certain amount of money, and then this guy licked the money a few times.

4. 7一个冰天雪地的星期天早晨，夫妻俩躺在柔软而暖融融的床上伸懒腰。妻子提议道：我们把星期天特刊取来在这里看吧!丈夫打个呵欠说：这个主意不错，但我俩中谁是你刚才说的那个我们

4. On a Sunday morning bathed in ice and snow, the couple stretched lazily on their soft and cozy bed. The wife suggested, "Let's fetch the Sunday special issue and read it here!" The husband yawned and said, "That's a good idea, but which one of us are you referring to when you say 'us'?"

5. 原歌词：死了都要爱，不哭到最后不痛快。改造后：死了没人埋，一想到老了就悲哀。

Original lyrics: No matter how dead I am, I still want to love. Not crying until the end is not satisfying. Modified version: If I die, no one will bury me, just thinking about getting old fills me with sadness.

6. 丈夫饭毕把碗一推：今天我要看书，洗碗就劳驾你了。妻收拾完进屋，丈夫早已鼾声如雷，书不知何时掉到床下。妻拾书一看，自言自语道：难怪吾夫要白日做梦，原来看的是《白夜》，早知如此，应该叫他读读《子夜》。

6. After finishing his meal, the husband pushed his bowl away: Today I want to read books, could you please do the dishes? The wife cleaned up and went into the room, only to find the husband already snoring like a thunderstorm, and the book had fallen to the bottom of the bed. Picking up the book and looking at it, the wife muttered to herself: No wonder my husband wants to dream during the day, turns out he was reading "White Night." If I had known this earlier, I should have told him to read "Midnight" instead.

7. 在车上，看见一个小偷准备摸我包。我笑眯眯地说：兄弟，你来晚了，有一个人比你下手还快。小偷惊了，我接着说：那是我老婆!

7. On the bus, I saw a thief preparing to reach for my bag. I smiled and said: Brother, you're too late, there's someone who got there even faster. The thief was startled, and I continued: That's my wife!

8. 他们之间的婚姻生活一直是有名无实。这一天，丈夫忽然心血来潮，觉得应该对此有所弥补。他建议说：今晚我们出去轻松一下，怎么样好呀，妻子回答说，不过，如果你先回来的话，请别关过道里的灯。

8. Their marriage had always been a hollow shell. On this day, the husband suddenly felt inspired and thought he should make amends. He suggested, "How about we go out and relax tonight?" The wife replied, "But if you come back first, please don't turn off the light in the hallway."

9. 妻子：我在我们家一直是中心，在你们家也得以我为中心。丈夫：那我在我们家也一直是中心。妻子：可我这中心比你那中心重要。丈夫：为什么妻子：因为我是千金，你只是个小子。

9. Wife: I have always been the center of our family, and I also get to be the center in your family. Husband: Well, I have always been the center in my family too. Wife: But my center is more important than yours. Husband: Why? Wife: Because I am a princess, and you're just a kid.

10. 2014到，齐心把难逃，为了能生存，人人强头前，唯你特震惊，不慌又不忙，椅上鸭腿拧，闭眼慢品茶，人都逃离光，你把口来开，你是谣言者，吓人是你乐，害人你强项，为把你惩罚，今晚勿睡眠，冤魂会找你。

10. Since 2014, we are all united in facing the inevitable. To survive, everyone is pushing forward with determination, but only you are shockingly calm. You don't rush, you twist a duck leg on the chair, close your eyes and slowly savor the tea. While everyone else flees the light, you open your mouth, you are the propagator of rumors. Scaring people brings you joy, harming others is your forte. To punish you, you won't sleep tonight, the spirits of the wronged will seek you out.

11. 一个贵族**马上就要结婚了，母亲告诉她说：当度蜜月上床时，不应该马上将所有的衣服都脱掉，要保持一点矜持。度完蜜月回来后，新郎问他的岳母：你们这家庭有没有人精神不正常的呢没有啊!怎么回事你女儿在我们度蜜月时，每天都带着帽子睡觉。

11. A nobleman is about to get married, and his mother advises her: "When going to bed on your honeymoon, don't strip off all your clothes immediately; maintain a bit of modesty." After returning from the honeymoon, the groom asks his mother-in-law: "Is there anyone in your family who is mentally unstable? Is there not? What's the matter? During our honeymoon, your daughter slept with a hat on every night."

12. 一对夫妻互相指责对方的缺点，夸耀自己能干，争论得无休无止。妻子的女高音越叫越响。丈夫不耐烦了，说：好，好，我承认，有一点你比我强。妻子得胜地笑了笑，说：哪一点丈夫说：你的爱人比我的爱人强。

12. A couple kept blaming each other's shortcomings and boasting about their own abilities, arguing endlessly. The wife's soprano voice grew louder and louder. The husband, feeling impatient, said: Alright, alright, I admit, there is one thing where you are stronger than me. The wife triumphantly smiled and said: What is it? The husband said: Your beloved is stronger than my beloved.

13. 其他和尚也渐渐累了，只有小和尚冯明始终牢记住持的教诲，认真地洗每一件衣服。

13. The other monks gradually grew tired, but the young monk Feng Ming always remembered the teachings he had received, and carefully washed each piece of clothing.

14. 刚生产的妻子，对丈夫表示歉意：你想要个男孩，偏偏我生了个女的，真对不起!丈夫吻了一下妻子，安慰说：没关系，亲爱的。这是我的第二志愿。

14. The newly delivered wife apologized to her husband: "You wanted a boy, but I gave birth to a girl. I'm so sorry!" The husband kissed his wife and comforted her: "It's all right, my dear. This is my second choice."

15. 黄家驹和张国荣共同要渡孙继海，忽然刮起起马景涛，他俩直接晕了菜，这时天上下掉个林妹妹，给他俩每人服下了一颗甄子丹，这才头不晕腿不颤安安全全上了岸。

15. Wong Ka Kui and张国荣 were trying to help Sun Jihai across, when suddenly a typhoon, led by Ma Jingtao, swept in, leaving them both dizzy. Then, a female figure, Lin Xiu'er, descended from the sky and gave each of them a pill from Donnie Yen, after which they were no longer dizzy or trembling and safely reached the shore.

16. 有一对夫妻，家里有什麽事情，丈夫总是要找妻子拿主意。有一天他的妻子去世了，负责给他妻子办葬礼的人找到他说：你老婆去世了，是不是需要给她烧点纸钱啊？丈夫习惯的脱口而出说道：这个事情，你去找我老婆商量吧。

16. There was a couple, where whenever there was anything to be decided at home, the husband always sought his wife's advice. One day, his wife passed away. The person in charge of arranging the funeral for his wife found him and said: "Your wife has passed away, do you need to burn some paper money for her?" The husband, in a habit, blurted out: "About this matter, why don't you consult my wife?"

17. 冯明在修道院院长的袈裟里发现了几根长毛。

17. Feng Ming found some long hairs in the robe of the abbot of the monastery.

18. 护士:不要大惊小怪。上次你给我做饭用的小勺子，这次我给你打针用的大针头，不然人家会说我报复你。

18. Nurse: Don't be so surprised. The little spoon you used to cook for me last time, and the big needle I'm using to give you an injection this time, otherwise people might say I'm retaliating against you.

19. 某男人在自己家里睡到半夜突然起床，急忙忙地穿好衣服，他太太不解其故地问：你半夜起床穿衣服干嘛男人道：我得赶快回家。

19. A man suddenly got up in the middle of the night in his own home, hurriedly dressed himself, and his wife, puzzled, asked him, "Why are you getting up in the middle of the night to dress up?" The man replied, "I need to hurry home."

20. 西塞山前白鹭飞，人人尽说江南好。桃花流水鳜鱼肥，人间有味是清欢。青箬笠，绿蓑衣，人不潇洒枉少年。斜风细雨不须归，人生得意须尽欢。祝你万事如意，快乐永久。

20. White egrets fly in front of Xisi Mountain, everyone says that Jiangnan is beautiful. Peaches in the flowing water, mandarin fish are fat, the taste of joy in life is pure and pleasant. Green bamboo hats, green raincoats, if one is not elegant, it's a waste of youth. Amidst the slanting wind and fine rain, there's no need to return. When life is full of joy, it must be fully enjoyed. May all your wishes come true, and happiness last forever.

21. 有一哥们买了车，媳妇不让开，说省油。让骑电驴。于是这哥们qq发了个说说，：骑电动车真好，满大街的美女随便看。看到喜欢的美女，还能跟了屁股后边一路尾随，还能搭个讪，真好。第二天，他媳妇把车钥匙给他了，此后天天开车上班。

21. A friend bought a car, but his wife wouldn't let him drive it, saying it would save on fuel. She suggested he ride an electric scooter. So this guy posted on his QQ: "It's great to ride an electric bike, you can随便 look at beautiful girls all over the street. If you see a beautiful girl you like, you can even follow her all the way, and you can even strike up a conversation, it's really great." The next day, his wife gave him the car keys, and from then on, he drove to work every day.

22. 2 、我觉得麦当劳的薯条好吃又硬。

22. 2, I think McDonald's fries are delicious and crispy.

23. 楼主和前男友分开，是因为他妈嫌弃我太瘦，怕我没有生育。当时楼主的心百般难受，如今五年过去了，楼主结婚生子一样没落下。昨天看见前男友QQ签名说，正在为他和他老婆不孕不育四处求医问药，十分苦恼。楼主默默的点了个赞

23. The thread starter and her ex-boyfriend split up because his mother disliked me for being too thin and feared that I might not be able to bear children. At the time, the thread starter felt incredibly upset. Five years have passed now, and the thread starter has gotten married and had a child, nothing missed. Yesterday, the thread starter saw her ex-boyfriend's QQ signature saying that he was seeking medical treatment and remedies for infertility with his wife, and was very distressed. The thread starter silently gave him a like.

24. 她可以来。好吧！拿一根细针插进包子里再拔出来。针是黑色的！

24. She can come. Alright! Take a thin needle and insert it into the bun and pull it out. The needle is black!

25. 小女孩转过头来说，“你知道吗？你不知道这叫情侣装吗？

25. The little girl turned her head and said, "Do you know? You don't know this is called matching outfits, do you?"

26. 近日脑袋怪怪，时常夜半起来，望着猪棚发呆，细想缘由何在，最后终搞明白，原来你被驴踹。

26. Lately, my head has been acting up, often waking up in the middle of the night and staring blankly at the pig sty. After pondering the reason for this, I finally realized, it turns out you were kicked by an ass.

27. 终于有一天，好事多磨和修道院院长提拔他为第一医院的执事。

27. Finally, after much perseverance, the Prior of the Monastery promoted him to the position of Deacon at the First Hospital.

28. 有一对新人，正在拜天地!当证婚人喊到!一拜天地;新郎说：从今受尽老婆气;二拜高堂;新郎说：我跪地板她睡床;夫妻对拜;新郎说：从此勒几裤腰带;送入洞房!新郎说：为她辛苦为她忙;当老婆扶他走向洞房时;新郎又说：唉，我是羊来，她是狼!

28. There is a newlywed couple, paying respects to the heaven and earth! As the officiant喊 to (announces), "First bow to heaven and earth; the groom says, 'From now on, I will endure my wife's temper.' Second bow to the ancestors; the groom says, 'I kneel on the floor while she sleeps in the bed.' Couples bow to each other; the groom says, 'From now on, I will tighten my belt.' They are led to the bridal chamber! The groom says, 'I toil and busy myself for her.' When his wife helps him walk towards the bridal chamber, the groom says again, 'Oh, I am a sheep, and she is a wolf!'

29. 送你2021真情大餐：螃蟹：蹩脚滴，龙虾：溜须滴，乌龟：扯淡滴，鲤鱼：地沟滴，猪肉：注水滴，青菜：有毒滴，酒水：勾兑滴，馒头：有色滴，祝福：快乐滴，友谊：真诚滴。

29. Gourmet feast of true feelings for you in 2021: Crab: clumsy, Lobster: toadying, Turtle: blabbering, Carp: from the gutter, Pork: watered down, Green vegetables: poisonous, Liquor: mixed, Steamed bun: stained, Blessings: joyful, Friendship: sincere.

30. 人生只为一日三餐。

30. Life is all about three meals a day.

31. 飞行员开车的不良习惯：遇到红灯时的第一个念头就是想转一圈；想要超车的时候既不往左，也不往右。就对正前车，一打油门往后拉方向盘。

31. Bad habits of pilots when driving: The first thought when encountering a red light is to make a U-turn; when wanting to overtake, they don't move to either the left or the right. They just face the car directly in front and then hit the gas pedal while pulling the steering wheel backward.

32. 我妹妹最近被一部古装剧给毒死了。晚上爸妈不在的时候，我蒸了包子炒了个小菜，请妹妹吃饭。

32. My younger sister was poisoned by a historical drama recently. When my parents weren't home at night, I steamed some buns and cooked a small dish, inviting my sister to dinner.

33. 阿美去头回进城，在公交车站被挤上双层公交车的二层，左右张望，偶然之余看到车身前半部分居然没有司机，脱口而出：“乖乖，城里人就是牛，能让这铁家伙自己跑，真厉害呀！”

33. A-mei went back to the city for the first time and was squeezed onto the second floor of a double-decker bus at the bus stop. Looking around, she was surprised to see that the front half of the bus didn't have a driver, and she blurted out, "My goodness, city people are really cool. They can make this iron beast run on its own, that's amazing!"

34. 老婆突发奇想决定晨跑减肥！——早早起床出去了，不到5分钟就回来了。我说这么快就跑回来了啊？她说，妈的，忘带减震了！出门忘穿胸罩a，胸太大给颤回来了！颤回来了绝对原创

34. My wife suddenly had the bright idea to go for a morning run to lose weight! She got up early and went out, but she came back in less than 5 minutes. I asked, "Why did you come back so soon?" She replied, "Dammit, I forgot to bring the shock absorber! I forgot to wear a bra, and my chest is too big to shake back!" Coming back after a shake is absolutely original!

35. 妈妈:四个字怎么可能犯五个错误？

35. Mother: How can four characters make five mistakes?

36. 女儿放学回家，跟妈妈诉苦。老师骂她没脑子，听写了四个字，写错了五个字。

36. The daughter came home from school and complained to her mother. The teacher scolded her for being brainless, saying she spelled four words correctly but made five mistakes in the dictation.

37. 冬天，我和老公都喜欢睡懒觉。今早天刚亮被老公一巴掌打醒，老公见我醒了，马上把我抱到怀里盖上被子。我问他为什么把我打醒了他说：醒来看到你没盖被子，又很冰冷，以为你挂了

37. In winter, both my husband and I like to sleep in late. This morning, just as the sky began to light up, I was woken up with a slap from my husband. When he saw that I was awake, he immediately held me in his arms and covered me with a blanket. I asked him why he woke me up, and he said: "When I woke up, I saw that you weren't covered with a blanket and you were very cold. I thought you were dead."

38. 在车站的月台上，一对夫妻正在互相埋怨。丈夫望着已经开出的次车对妻子说：都怪你!要不是你一个劲地磨蹭，我们满可以坐上这趟火车。都怪你!妻子回敬道，要不是你一个劲地催命，我们满可以不用花好多时间等下趟火车。

38. On the platform of the station, a couple is blaming each other. The husband, looking at the train that has already left, tells his wife: It's all your fault! If it wasn't for you dragging your feet, we could have caught this train. It's all your fault! The wife retorts, if it wasn't for you constantly pestering us, we could have saved a lot of time waiting for the next train.

39. 一女性朋友的事，最近天气渐热，她穿了件领口较大的衣服，我们一起走在街上，她的鞋带突然松了，她弯腰系鞋带的时候，我一不小心看到了她衣服里面、、、我好意提醒她：以后不要穿领口太大的衣服了，真是一览纵山晓!她怒视我道：小你妹啊小，我哪里小了!、、亲'''我真不是那个意思。

39. A story about a female friend of mine. Recently, as the weather has been getting warmer, she wore a shirt with a large neckline. We were walking down the street together, and suddenly her shoelace came undone. While she was bending over to tie her shoes, I accidentally saw something inside her shirt... So I kindly reminded her, "From now on, don't wear shirts with such a large neckline, it's just too revealing!" She glared at me and said, "What do you mean, 'little sister'? Where did I get that from!?" And then, affectionately, 'Darling, I really didn't mean that.'

40. 我买了一瓶遮瑕霜，用了之后发现效果真的不错，涂上之后像换个人似的。老公很奇怪为什么涂上之后效果这么明显，我跟他说：遮瑕霜的作用就是让毛孔变小、遮盖雀斑、提亮增白肤色。老公听了我的介绍，恍然大悟道：我明白了，就像咱家装修时刮大白一样。

40. I bought a bottle of concealer and after using it, I found that the effect is really great; it makes me look like a different person. My husband was puzzled as to why the effect was so noticeable after applying it, so I told him: "The purpose of the concealer is to make pores smaller, cover freckles, and brighten and lighten the skin tone." After hearing my introduction, he suddenly understood and said: "I see now, just like when we were renovating our house and we painted the whiteboard."

41. 小李是个**迷，一年来买**已经花了近千元，可仅仅得了两个末等奖。他老婆埋怨说：你买**，就是庄稼不收年年种。小李说：我也有收获，只是种瓜得豆。

41. Xiao Li is a gambling addict, and in the past year, he has spent nearly a thousand yuan on buying lottery tickets, but he only won two consolation prizes. His wife complained: "You buy lottery tickets, just like farming but not reaping any crops year after year." Xiao Li replied: "I have also gained something, just like sowing melons and getting beans."

42. 我直接往她脸上吐口水:这是个豆沙包，你个傻逼！

42. I spat directly on her face: This is a red bean paste bun, you傻逼!

43. 前天去海边游泳，从中午游到晚上回家。老婆盯着我看了半天，又看看自己的皮肤，一脸无辜地说：你这是想和我生一个斑马吗

43. The day before yesterday, I went swimming at the seaside, swimming from noon until I came home in the evening. My wife stared at me for a while, then looked at her own skin, and said innocently: Do you want to have a zebra with me?