1. 别人穿丝袜，都会显得身材好。而你穿丝袜，只会显得丝袜质量好！

1. Everyone else looks good in stockings, but you, wearing stockings, only show off the quality of the stockings!

2. 女孩就是，亲人面前小清新，外人面前文静帝，熟人面前神经病，闺蜜面前女流氓。

2. The girl is like this: in front of family members, she's fresh and light; in front of strangers, she's calm and dignified; in front of acquaintances, she's a nutcase; and in front of her best friends, she's a tomboy.

3. 从小妈妈就跟我说，不能交一些不三不四的朋友，我觉得我都有做到，而且做得非常好，因为我的朋友都很二。

3. My mother has been telling me since I was little that I shouldn't make friends with people who are not good, and I think I have done so, and done it very well, because all my friends are a bit odd.

4. 不上咱学校的洋妞不知道自己是只小小鸟——怪不得赵传唱这首歌的时候那么伤心…

4. The foreign girls who don't attend our school don't know they are just little birds – no wonder Zhao Chuan was so heartbroken when he sang this song...

5. 什么是朋友？就是放桌子上500块钱不会丢，放一包瓜子回来就剩一堆皮了。

5. What is a friend? It's someone you can leave 500 yuan on the table without worrying about it disappearing, but if you leave a pack of sunflower seeds, you'll come back to find only a pile of shells left.

6. 在修辞学里你这种说话方式在修辞学里叫做“扯”。?>

6. In rhetoric, this kind of way of speaking is called "digression."

7. 我就像趴在窗户上的苍蝇，前方鸟语花香一片光明，但总觉得到处都是隐形的墙壁。

7. I'm like a fly perched on the window, with a bright scene of birds chirping and flowers blooming ahead, yet I always feel as if there are invisible walls everywhere.

8. 小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我！

8. When I was a child, I thought that when I grew up, I could save the whole world. But as I grew up, I realized that even I couldn't save myself!

9. 在这个赚钱非常容易的时代，我是属于非常容易被赚走钱的那种人。

9. In this era where it's very easy to make money, I am the kind of person who is very easily robbed of their money.

10. 现在父母从小就让孩子参加各种兴趣班，为了不让孩子输在起跑线上，殊不知，有些人，一出生就在终点线上。

10. Now parents enroll their children in various interest classes from a young age, in order not to let their children fall behind at the starting line. However, they are unaware that some people are already at the finish line at birth.

11. 别人分手了可以一个人去巴黎，而我分手了只能去楼下的牛肉面馆，吃一碗六块钱的牛肉面还不敢加蛋。

11. When others break up, they can go to Paris alone, but when I break up, I can only go to the beef noodle shop downstairs, where I can only afford to eat a bowl of beef noodles for six yuan and can't even add an egg.

12. 毕业多年的同学聚会，大家一块讨论工资，本来以为我们赚的都差不多，可最后才发现他们说的都是月薪，只有我说的年薪！

12. It was a reunion of classmates who have graduated many years ago. We all discussed our salaries. I thought we all earned about the same, but it turned out that everyone else was talking about monthly salaries, while I was talking about annual salaries!

13. 虽然经常被老婆打，但苍天可鉴，老婆并非是不讲理的人。每次打之前，都会征求我的同意，我说不同意，她就打到我同意为止。

13. Although I am often beaten by my wife, the heavens can bear witness that she is not an unreasonable person. Before each beating, she will ask for my consent. If I disagree, she will keep beating me until I agree.

14. 逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。

14. Having skipped too many classes, one day he decided to go to class and saw the professor, who was surprised and said, "It's been so long since I saw you, you've grown up so much."

15. “借钱可以，但我得先跟我媳妇商量一下。”“你不是没媳妇吗？”“是啊，所以说没得商量！”

15. "I can lend you money, but I need to discuss it with my wife first." "Aren't you not married yet?" "Yes, that's why there's no room for negotiation!"

16. 单身久了，连煮饺子看见两个粘在一起，我都要用铲子把它们分开。

16. Having been single for a long time, even when I see two dumplings sticking together while cooking, I have to use a spatula to separate them.

17. 为什么现在越来越多夫妻不想要小孩了呢？因为上面来的领导说了：要从娃娃抓起。

17. Why are more and more couples not wanting to have children now? Because the leaders above have said: one should start from the cradle.

18. 真的老了，骚不动了！秋衣塞进秋裤里，秋裤塞进袜子里，是对冬天最起码的尊重，现在我对时尚的理解是：保暖为主！

18. I'm really old, and I can't be骚 (agile or playful) anymore! Putting the autumn shirt inside the autumn pants, and the autumn pants inside the socks, is the least respect we can show for winter. Now, my understanding of fashion is: warmth first!

19. 在家的时候发烧还会坚持上网，上学的时候打个喷嚏都会觉得是癌症晚期。

19. When at home with a fever, they still insist on going online; when at school, even a single sneeze makes them feel like they are in the late stage of cancer.

20. 今天起床之后跟老公说：我要化妆了！这二货来了句：那不是化妆，是大变活人！

20. After waking up today, I told my husband, "I'm going to put on makeup!" He replied, "That's not makeup, that's magic trick!"

21. 要记住那些陪着你聊天到深夜的人，就是因为他们才让你黑眼圈那么重，皮肤那么差。

21. Remember those who chat with you late into the night; it is because of them that you have such dark circles under your eyes and such poor skin.

22. 熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天；赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。

22. Staying up late is because one lacks the courage to end the day; lounging in bed is because one lacks the courage to start the day.

23. 小时候，学校教导我们，人生是一种实现。长大后，社会教导我们，人生是一场现实。

23. When we were young, school taught us that life is a realization. As we grew up, society taught us that life is a reality.

24. 我这人做事，要么不做，要么就做到最好。所以我选择不做，因为我做不好！

24. I either don't do something or do it to the best of my ability. So I choose not to do it because I can't do it well!

25. 什么是代沟？就是换上新衣服，在老妈面前走了一圈说：妈，有范吗？老妈看了我一眼说：有，在锅里，自己盛去。

25. What is a generation gap? It's like putting on new clothes, walking around in front of your mom and saying, "Mom, do I look cool?" Your mom gives me a look and says, "Yes, they're in the pot, go get them yourself."

26. 学校里有这么三种人，一种人是学霸，一种人则罢学，至于这第三种人，想当学霸却力不从心，想罢学却欲罢不能。

26. There are three types of people in school: one is a top student, another has given up studying, and the third is someone who wants to be a top student but lacks the strength to do so, and who wants to give up studying but cannot stop.

27. 有一天，语文老师叫我们默写“帅”这个字，同桌不会写，抬头悄悄看了我的脸一眼，居然写出来了。

27. One day, our Chinese teacher asked us to copy out the character "帅" (handsome). My classmate couldn't write it, so he looked up and secretly glanced at my face, and then he managed to write it correctly.

28. 有些事情，今天做不完就留到明天吧。运气好的话，明天突然失忆了就不用做了。

28. Some things, if you can't finish them today, leave them for tomorrow. If you're lucky, you might suddenly forget about them tomorrow and they won't need to be done.

29. 只需一分钟就可以碰到一个人，一小时喜欢上一个人，一天爱上一个人，但需要花尽一生的时间去忘掉一个人。

29. It takes just one minute to meet someone, one hour to like someone, one day to fall in love with someone, but it requires a lifetime to forget someone.

30. 偶尔幽生活一默你会觉得很爽，但生活幽你一默就惨了……

30. It feels great to have a moment of humor in your secluded life, but if life plays a joke on you, it can be a disaster...

31. 从今天起只要是我朋友，谁没钱了就和我吱声，我可以给你讲述一下，没钱的日子我是怎么度过的。

31. Starting today, if anyone is my friend and runs out of money, just let me know, and I can tell you how I got through the days without money.

32. 好男人就是在别的女人面前老老实实，在自己心爱的女人面前色到要死。

32. A good man is honest in front of other women and almost irresistible in the presence of the woman he loves.

33. 我来给大家普及一下怎么样穿衣服才好看，首先你要长得好看，其次你要身材好，最重要的是你既要长得好看又要身材好！

33. I'll give you all a tutorial on how to dress nicely. Firstly, you have to be good-looking, secondly, you need a good figure, and most importantly, you need to be both good-looking and have a good figure!

34. 我还记得小时候最尴尬的事情，莫过于跟爸妈一起看电视的时候，碰上吻戏。

34. I still remember the most embarrassing thing when I was young was when, while watching TV with my parents, we came across a kissing scene.

35. 本想对男神来个回眸一笑，可未曾料到天太冷，笑出了一个鼻涕泡儿。

35. I had wanted to give a wink and a smile to the男神, but I hadn't expected the weather to be so cold; I ended up sneezing out a snotty bubble instead.

36. 怎么区分浪漫与浪费？明知她不爱你，还送999朵玫瑰，这就是浪漫！而明知她爱你，还送999朵玫瑰，这就是浪费！

36. How do you differentiate between romance and waste? If you know she doesn't love you and still send 999 roses, that's romance! But if you know she loves you and still send 999 roses, that's waste!

37. 什么是友谊？我毕业后换过4个手机号，谁也没告诉，然而同学结婚时还是联系到了我！

37. What is friendship? After graduation, I changed my phone number 4 times and didn't tell anyone, yet I was still contacted by my classmates when one of them got married!

38. 我生气的时候一定要哄我，多买吃的给我，等老娘吃饱了，才能有力气打死你。

38. When I'm angry, you must哄 me, buy more food for me. Only after I've eaten my fill can I have the strength to beat you up.

39. 女：我想找个男朋友。男：我帮你，我们宿舍有个还不错。女：我跟他在一起你不心疼吗？男：想多了吧？放心我跟他没什么的。

39. Female: I want to find a boyfriend. Male: I'll help you, there's someone pretty good in our dormitory. Female: Don't you feel jealous if I get together with him? Male: Overthink much? Don't worry, I don't have anything going on with him.

40. 你长得挺有创意，活得挺有勇气，丑不是你的本意，是上帝在发脾气。

40. You have quite an original look and a lot of courage in living. Ugliness was not your intention; it was God who was in a fit of anger.

41. 考试就像得了病一样，考前是忧郁症，考时是健忘症，考后病情开始好转，拿回卷子时，心脏病就发作了。

41. Exams are like getting sick; before the exam, you have depression, during the exam, you have amnesia, after the exam, your condition starts to improve, and when you receive your test paper back, you get a heart attack.

42. 和尚说：“你以为我是吃素的？”尼姑说：“老娘什么没见过！”

42. The monk said, "Do you think I'm a vegetarian?" The nun replied, "I've seen it all, you old slut!"

43. 些表面上看起来岁月静好的女孩子，背地里居然连多余的钱都没有，甚至还欠着蚂蚁花呗。

43. Some girls who appear to have a peaceful life on the surface actually don't even have extra money saved, and they even owe money on the Ant Micro Credit.

44. 政府想着怎么合理征税，老板想着怎么合理避税，而我想着怎么合理多睡！

44. The government is thinking about how to tax reasonably, the boss is thinking about how to avoid taxes reasonably, while I am thinking about how to sleep more reasonably!

45. 小时候每当看到街头那些盲人演艺者，我内心都充满了敬佩，默默的在他们的钱罐子里捞一把，然后他们就会摘下墨镜来揍我。

45. As a child, every time I saw those blind street performers, I felt immense admiration in my heart. I would silently grab a handful of money from their money jar, and then they would take off their sunglasses to hit me.

46. 我不是喜欢她，我是喜欢我的剧本，只是我的剧本却是我深深的爱着她。

46. I don't like her; I like my script. It's just that my script deeply loves her.

47. 又有人说我胖了，呵，你们懂不懂这叫富态，我这是在提前适应富婆生活。

47. Someone else said I've gained weight, ah, do you guys even know what that means? This is me getting a head start on adapting to the life of a wealthy woman.

48. 空有一颗学习的心，偏偏生了一条挂科的命；空有一颗减肥的心，偏偏生了一条吃货的命。横批：身不由己。

48. With a heart eager for learning, fate has bestowed upon me the curse of failing courses; with a heart set on losing weight, fate has given me the destiny of a glutton. Horizontal phrase: Can't help it.

49. 喜欢我的东西你只管拿，拿得走算你本事，拿不走，你就一边儿看着

49. If you like something of mine, just take it. If you can carry it away, it's your skill. If you can't, just watch from the side.

50. 写歌的人最无情，听歌的人假正经，人要是矫情起来，听什么都像在唱自己。

50. Songwriters are the most merciless, listeners are pretending to be decent, and when people get pretentious, they feel like they are singing about themselves in everything they hear.

51. 日一醉汉酒后打车回家，伸手拦一辆巡警车，并且嚷嚷道：我知道一块钱一公里，但你也没必要写那么大吧！

51. A drunk man hailed a taxi after drinking one day, reached out to flag down a patrol car, and shouted: I know it's one yuan per kilometer, but you don't need to write it so big, do you!

52. 百年前，你是我们家的长工，那天在窗口偷看你砍柴的姿势时，我就喜欢上了你，你可别怪我当时没有告诉你！因为那时没有短消息！

52. A hundred years ago, you were the foreman of our family, and that day when I peeked through the window to watch you chopping wood, I fell in love with you. Don't blame me for not telling you back then! Because there were no short messages then!

53. 你骂我，肯定是因为你不够了解我，因为那些了解我的人都想砍我。

53. You must be cursing me because you don't know me well enough, because those who do know me all want to chop me up.

54. 义无返顾的爱他，希望他能明白，即使不明白也没有关系，谁叫我爱他呢？！

54. I love him unreservedly, hoping that he can understand it. Even if he doesn't understand, it's okay, after all, who else loves him except me?!

55. 我每天的状态都挺有规律的：上午，一副没睡醒的样子，下午，一副睡不醒的样子，晚上，一副打了鸡血的样子。

55. My daily state is quite regular: in the morning, I look like I haven't woken up, in the afternoon, I look like I can't wake up, and at night, I look like I've been injected with adrenaline.

56. 我现在的状态：呆货，学渣，逗比，没钱，没长相，没身高，没对象。

56. My current status: an airhead, a failing student, a buffoon, broke, ugly, short, and without a partner.

57. 老婆的首字母是LP，而漂亮的首字母是PL。我忽然明白了，老婆往往和漂亮是相反的。

57. The initials of my wife are LP, while the initials of beautiful are PL. Suddenly, I realized that my wife is often the opposite of beautiful.

58. 生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都TM没生下来，所以谁都别TM的装横！

58. No one born is afraid of death, those who are afraid of death haven't been born, so don't pretend to be tough, you know it!

59. 这个世界或许还有爱情的存在，正如专家们都在考证到底有没有外星人的道理。

59. This world may still exist love, just as experts are考证 whether there are aliens in the same way.

60. 我有个朋友找到了很有钱的老公，虽然得到了享不尽的荣华富贵，但也同时失去了烦恼。

60. A friend of mine found a very wealthy husband, who, although he brought endless wealth and honor, also brought along with it the loss of烦恼 (troubles and worries).

61. 你觉得我内向是因为我不爱说话，其实我不爱说话时因为我觉得你是个傻逼。

61. You think I'm introverted because I don't like to talk much, but the real reason I don't like to talk is because I think you're an idiot.

62. 卖花的小姑娘拉着我，说道：大哥哥，买花吧，一看就知道你是花心的人。

62. The little girl selling flowers pulled me and said: Big brother, buy some flowers, it's obvious you're a romantic person.

63. 既生瑜何生亮，既生美食何生脂肪，既生刘海何生狂风，既生我何不生我对象！

63. If there is Yu, why not Liang? If there is delicious food, why not fat? If there is a bangs hairstyle, why not gale force winds? If there is me, why not my partner!

64. 这年头还整天挂QQ的人，除了上班没事做，就是下班没人爱的人……

64. These days, people who are still logged into QQ all day must either be busy with nothing at work or loved by no one after work...

65. 和男朋友吵架，别急着去责怪他，先反省反省自己，如果真是自己的错，再好好想想怎么推卸给他。

65. If you have an argument with your boyfriend, don't rush to blame him. First, take a moment to reflect on yourself. If it's truly your fault, then think carefully about how to shift the blame onto him.

66. 有的人与人之间的相遇就像是流星，瞬间迸发出令人羡慕的火花，却注定只是匆匆而过。

66. Some encounters between people are like meteors, bursting into an enviable spark in a moment, yet destined to pass by all too quickly.

67. 你不去表白永远不知道自己有多丑，你不去借钱永远不知道自己人品有多差！

67. You will never know how ugly you are if you never confess your feelings, and you will never know how bad your character is if you never borrow money!

68. 今天买了一盆含羞草，回去怎么动也不害羞，回去问老板。老板说：“可能你买的这盆不要脸”。

68. Today I bought a pot of sensitive plant, but when I got home, it wouldn't blush no matter how I moved it. So I went back to ask the shopkeeper. The shopkeeper said, "Maybe the pot you bought doesn't have a face."

69. 买东西的时候店家常常说，你要是真心买的话，还能给你便宜点，你看，真心就是不怎么值钱！

69. When shopping, shopkeepers often say, "If you're really serious about buying, I can give you a discount. You see, sincerity isn't very valuable!"

70. 考完试对答案，最后那道大题学霸的答案竟然跟我一样，一股安全感油然而生，而学霸则半天说不出一句话来。

70. After finishing the exam and checking the answers, I was surprised to find that the answer to the last big question was the same as mine, and a sense of security arose naturally. The top student, however, couldn't say a word for half a day.

71. 女孩子晚上千万不要一个人出门，真的很危险，满大街的烧烤夜宵甜点，没人劝阻，忍不住随便进一家，就要长好几斤肉。

71. Girls should never go out alone at night; it's really dangerous. There are street food stalls selling grilled snacks and desserts all over the place. Without anyone to dissuade you, you can't help but go into just any one of them, and you might gain several pounds.

72. 我有个朋友，他很穷，我就问他家的生活，他说：“只能盖钱睡觉。”瓦特？！我顿时傻眼。

72. I have a friend who is very poor, so I asked about his family's life, and he said, "We can only sleep after making money." What?! I was completely dumbfounded.

73. 不了解自己的身世不用愁，只要找个当红小鲜肉，去网上骂他几句，保证你的十八辈祖宗都能被他粉丝扒出来。

73. Don't worry if you don't know your own background. Just find a popular young handsome guy,骂他几句 on the internet, and I guarantee that his fans will dig out your ancestors from the eight generations back.

74. 网络就像是监狱，本来是偷了个钱包进来的，等出去的时候就什么都学会了。

74. The internet is like a prison; you come in for stealing a wallet, and by the time you leave, you've learned everything.

75. 当别人给你关上一扇门的时候，总会有好心人为你在墙上留下开锁的电话号码。

75. When someone closes a door on you, there will always be kind-hearted people who leave the phone number for a lock-picking service on the wall.

76. 步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里，妈妈以后再也不用担心我学习了。

76. The步步高 lighter, it can light a fire wherever you don't know how to, so Mom will never have to worry about my studies anymore.

77. 什么是爱情？就是两个人丑的跟猴似的，还担心对方被抢走，搂的噔噔的！

What is love? It's when two people who are as ugly as monkeys still worry that the other might be stolen away, holding each other tightly!

78. 在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。

78. What should you do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don't panic, wear a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.

79. 那天我心血来潮，用你的照片作电脑桌面，我靠，居然中电脑病毒了。

79. On that day, I was in a whim and used your photo as my computer desktop. Oh my, I actually got a computer virus.

80. 有句话是，如果有个男人在大马路上蹲下给你系鞋带，这样的男人你就嫁了吧！我想说，打死结的算么？

There's a saying that if a man bends down on the street to tie your shoes for you, that's a man you should marry! I want to ask, does it count if he ties a square knot?

81. 敬告各位家长，请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。

81. To all parents, please do not curse your children as "little brat," because from a genetic perspective, this is very detrimental to yourselves.

82. 找个时间，找个地点，找首好歌，认认真真地听着歌开一段长长的思想小猜。

82. Find a time, a place, and a good song, and listen to the song seriously for a long, thoughtful contemplation.

83. 你们不要羡慕我们放假没作业，你们知道玩一天多累吗

83. Don't envy us for having holidays without homework, do you know how tiring it is to play all day?

84. 为什么一看书，就困呢因为书，是梦开始的地方。

84. Why do I feel sleepy when I look at books? Because books are the place where dreams begin.

85. 找男朋友的要求不高，跟女孩子讲过话的不要。

85. The requirements for finding a boyfriend are not high, but do not talk to those who have chatted with girls.

86. 真正笑点低的姑娘，就是你冲着她笑几秒，她就会开始冲你傻笑。

86. A girl with a genuinely low humor threshold is one who will start giggling at you even if you just smile at her for a few seconds.