百亿之九十九的幽默段子，幽默段子无人能及。

Humor is the only thing that can surpass this ninety-nine billion and one joke.

1. 13友友们都在吃饭，我要偷偷练帕梅拉，成为最瘦的，卷死他们。

1. Everyone from the 13 friends is eating, and I want to sneakily do Pamela's workout to become the thinnest and outdo them.

2. 4你怎么停？你停下来了就会被卷走，你停不下来，就像一个巨大的齿轮压着你走。

2. 4 How can you stop? If you stop, you will be swept away. You can't stop, as if a huge gear is pressing you to move forward.

3. 8跟男朋友说一起午睡，我偷偷起来学习，然后同样的时间我学了更多知识，让他觉得自己是大笨猪，卷死他。

3. I told my boyfriend we would take a nap together, but I sneaked up to study. By the same time, I had learned more knowledge, making him feel like a big dummy and totally outsmarting him.

4. 7[自动回复] 目前聊天人数过多，前面还有198位，请耐心等待~

4.7 [Automatic Reply] There are currently too many people chatting. There are still 198 people ahead of you, please be patient and wait.~

5. 21[自动回复] 对不起，对方的信息已封禁，如果想要她回复你，请输入三遍“我是猪”来解封

5. 21[Automatic Response] Sorry, the other party's information has been blocked. If you want her to reply to you, please type "I am a pig" three times to unblock.

6. 2内卷的人永远只看到扔到眼前的那块小蛋糕，然后撕破脸皮去抢这块小的。

6. People who are envious can only see the small piece of cake in front of them, and then they would go to any extent to snatch it.

7. 26元旦一个人过，元宵节一个人过，情人节一个人过，有本事考试也让我一个人过啊。

7. Celebrating New Year's Day alone, Lantern Festival alone, Valentine's Day alone, now you have the nerve to let me take the exam alone too!

8. 8情人节，不必祝天下情人们快乐，他们今天本身就很快乐了。

8. On Valentine's Day, there is no need to wish all lovers happiness, as they are already very happy today.

9. 1你们画画时用耳机听歌，我偷偷听高中必背64篇，我文化课比你们考得好，卷死你们。

9. 1 When you guys are drawing, you use headphones to listen to music, but I sneakily listen to the 64 essential articles from high school. My cultural courses score better than yours, I'll crush you all.

10. 28男生单身叫做单身狗，问那有木有形容女生单身的呢一个单身20年的少年回答到：狗不理。

10. If 28 single males are called "single dogs," then what is there to describe a single female? A young man who has been single for 20 years replied: "Dog refuses to accept it."

11. 14只要人人都献出一份卷，世界将会变的更美好。

11. 14 If everyone contributes a little, the world will become a better place.

12. 然而，有几只鸟真的在他的床下孵化了。

12. However, several birds actually hatched under his bed.

13. 20山前有个严圆眼，山后有个严眼圆，二人山前来比眼，不知是严圆眼的眼圆，还是严眼圆比严圆眼的眼圆

13. In front of the mountain is a Yan Yuanyan, and behind the mountain is a Yan Yanjuan. The two compared their eyes in front of the mountain, but they didn't know whether it was Yan Yuanyan's eye being round, or if Yan Yanjuan was comparing it to Yan Yuanyan's round eye.

14. 37今天情人节，你是不是连个可以转账的人都没有，别难过，你还可以转给我，我不允许你输给任何人！

14. Today is Valentine's Day, and you don't even have someone to transfer money to? Don't be sad, you can transfer it to me instead. I won't let you lose to anyone!

15. 22委蛇 wēiyí

15. 22 Snake Serpentine - Wēiyí

16. 在小饭馆吃饭的时候，一个衣衫褴褛的乞丐走了进来，用他沧桑的右手向房间里的食客乞讨。每个人都厌恶地把他推到一边。他来找我的时候，我拿出五块钱给他，可是出乎意料的是，他扔还给我说，兄弟，给我点饭就行了，钱不要！

16. While dining in a small restaurant, a ragged beggar walked in and asked for alms with his worn-out right hand to the customers inside the room. Everyone pushed him aside in disgust. When he came to me, I took out five yuan for him, but to my surprise, he threw the money back at me, saying, Brother, just give me some food; I don't need the money!

17. 17你们学吧，你们卷吧，我现在就开始熬夜喝可乐打游戏看剧，提前猝死，下辈子投胎搞个北京户口富二代，你们卷三辈子都干不过我。

17. 17 Learn hard, strive hard, I will start staying up late, drinking cola, playing games, and watching dramas now, so that I can die prematurely. In my next life, I will reincarnate as a wealthy second-generation person with a Beijing household registration, and you will never be able to compete with me even after three lifetimes of striving.

18. 第九名

18. 9th place

19. 觉得身体有毛病的千万别在网上搜，每次一搜完我就想立遗嘱。

19. Never search online for health issues, every time I do, I feel like writing a will.

20. 正在排队等着付钱的时候，前面一个妹子掉了张50块，我看她似乎没怎么注意就赶紧假装鞋带松了将钱踩着，准备等她走了再捡起来。装了好一会，她突然说：“大哥，你个皮鞋系到明年也系不上鞋带啊。”

20. While queuing to pay, a girl in front dropped a 50-yuan note. I noticed she didn't seem to have noticed, so I quickly pretended that my shoelace was loose and stepped on the money, planning to pick it up after she left. I acted this way for a while, and then she suddenly said, "Brother, you'll never be able to tie the laces on your leather shoes until next year."

21. 13委蛇 wēiyí

21. 13 Serpentous, sinuous, or winding

22. 17跟集美们宣传厌男思想，自己背地里老公亲亲、老公抱抱、卷死他们。

22. 17 promotes anti-male ideology to the girls, but secretly, she's kissing her husband, hugging him, and enjoying their company.

23. 15别跟我谈情人节，告诉你，姐只过儿童节！

23. Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day, let me tell you, I only celebrate Children's Day!

24. 3终于结束了大半年的单身生活，现在开始下半年的了。

24. 3 finally ended nearly half a year of single life, now starting the second half of the year.

25. 20[自动回复] 不要着急，小可爱正在赶来的路上，请准备好零食饮料耐心等待哦~

25. 20[Automatic Reply] Don't worry, the cute one is on their way, please prepare some snacks and drinks and be patient while waiting~

26. 24山谷悠悠，蝶舞翩翩，琴瑟和，仙音缭绕，轻歌曼曼，所谓此生不负。

26. 24 In the serene valleys, butterflies flutter gracefully, zithers and lutes harmonize, ethereal melodies swirl, soft songs gently play, this is what is meant by not wasting this life.

27. 57但凡你说的有一点道理，也不至于一点道理也没有。

27. 57 If there is even a little bit of sense in what you say, it's not as if there's none at all.

28. 10我就是洗衣机衣服口袋里的纸，把我卷死了，大家一个也别好过。

28. 10 I am the paper in the laundry pocket of the washing machine, I have wrapped myself to death, and no one will have a good time.

29. 16舍友都没有孩子，我悄悄生个孩子，卷死他们。

29. None of my 16 roommates have children, so I'll quietly have a baby and outshine them all.

30. 31[自动回复] 仙女正在下凡，请耐心等待

30. 31[Automatic Reply] The fairy is descending to the mortal world, please wait patiently.

31. 在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。

31. Strolling down the street and admiring beautiful women, a higher gaze is considered appreciation, while a lower gaze is seen as流氓 (a流氓, in this context, refers to a person with bad behavior or manners).

32. 12我觉得你们不仅背着我偷偷做完了寒假作业，还偷偷在情人节之前找到了对象，你们都是骗子。

32. 12 I think you guys not only secretly finished your winter homework behind my back, but also found a partner secretly before Valentine's Day. You all are liars.

33. 第三名

33. Third place

34. 第六名

34. Sixth place

35. 18舍友们都在干饭，我偷偷挑骨灰盒，死了也要比她们住的好看，卷死她们。

35. 18 My dormmates are all eating, and I'm secretly picking the ashes box, even if I die, I want it to look better than theirs, to outdo them.

36. 晚上下班后我发现老大爷还在那，就问他:大爷，你这摔了一天也没开胡啊

36. After finishing work in the evening, I found the old man still there, so I asked him: Grandpa, you've been lying on the ground for a whole day and haven't opened your eyes yet?

37. 4别人都吃炸鸡喝可乐，我天天喝热水，身体比他们好，卷死他们。

37. While everyone else is eating fried chicken and drinking cola, I drink hot water every day, and my body is better than theirs. I'll beat them in the competition.

38. 、就算跑最后一名又怎样，至少我又运动精神。而且我一定会跑完全程，只要跑到终点我就成功了!

38. What's the harm if I come in last? At least I have the spirit of sportsmanship. And I will definitely finish the entire race! As long as I reach the finish line, I have succeeded!

39. 22作为单身狗，只要我喜欢的人好好的，就是我最好的情人节礼物。

39. As a single dog, as long as the person I like is well, that's the best Valentine's Day gift for me.

40. 12别人都在上班，我假装找不到工作，实际全职备考，等我考上编制，卷死他们。

40. 12 Everyone else is working, but I pretend to be unable to find a job, actually preparing full-time for the exam. Wait until I pass the civil servant examination and then outperform them.

41. 44我之前还没发现，当我发现的时候我已经发现了。

41. 44 I hadn't noticed it before; by the time I did notice, I had already found it.

42. m:还没有，但我会努力的。

42. m: Not yet, but I will try my best.

43. 14我从现在开始天天吃葡萄，以后我的孩子眼睛就比其他人的还大，卷死他们。

43. 14 From now on, I will eat grapes every day, and in the future, my children's eyes will be bigger than those of others, and I will surpass them.

44. 9拉拉会折喇叭，丫丫会吹喇叭。拉拉只会折喇叭，不会吹喇叭；丫丫只会吹喇叭，不会折喇叭。拉拉教丫丫折喇叭，丫丫教拉拉吹喇叭，两个乐得笑哈哈。

44. Lala can fold trumpets, and Yaya can blow trumpets. Lala can only fold trumpets and not blow them; Yaya can only blow trumpets and not fold them. Lala teaches Yaya how to fold trumpets, and Yaya teaches Lala how to blow trumpets. Both are so happy they laugh heartily.

45. 你要吃饱，要早睡，不要仗着自己长得丑就可以任意熬夜。

45. You should eat to your satisfaction, get enough sleep, and do not take advantage of your unattractive appearance to stay up late as you please.

46. 别总是单身狗单身狗的了，按年龄算你应该是单身鳖，按体型算你应该是单身猪，按智商算你应该是单身傻狍子。

46. Stop always calling yourself a single dog; by age, you should be considered a single turtle; by body type, you should be a single pig; and by intelligence, you should be a single dumb deer.

47. 28锅眉灰黑，黑锅眉灰。锅眉灰描眉眉黑灰黑，锅眉灰不描眉灰黑盾不黑。

47. 28 The pot eyebrows are gray and black, with the pot eyebrows being gray. The pot eyebrows, when drawn, make the eyebrows blackish gray, but if not drawn, the pot eyebrows are gray and the shield is not black.

48. 不要总拿自己跟别人比，你羡慕别人瘦，别人还羡慕你肠胃好，你羡慕别人有钱，别人还羡慕没人找你借钱。

48. Don't always compare yourself to others. You may envy others for being slim, but others may envy your good digestion; you may envy others for being wealthy, but others may envy that no one asks you to borrow money.

49. 13高高山上一条藤，藤条头上挂铜铃，风动藤动铜铃动，风定藤停铜铃停。

49. On a towering mountain, there's a vine, with a copper bell hanging at its tip. When the wind blows, the vine sways and the bell rings. When the wind stops, the vine stands still and the bell ceases to chime.

50. 13今年多大了，该找个对象了。是啊，确实不小了，等要谈恋爱的时候再找对象。

50. This year, you're quite old enough to find a partner. Yes, indeed, you're not young anymore. Wait until you're ready to start dating before looking for a partner.

51. 42[自动回复] 因为太胖，跑起来阻力大，很快就来了，稍等~

51. 42[Auto Reply] Because too fat, running resistance is large, it will come soon, please wait a moment~

52. 女:没关系。我不是那种拜金的人。哦，对了，你喜欢什么口味的鸭脖？

52. Woman: No problem. I'm not the type who worships money. Oh, by the way, what flavor of duck neck do you like?

53. 、人生得耐得住寂寞，兴致勃勃地学习，也得忍受得住孤独。“书山有路勤为径，学海无涯苦作舟。”勤奋与苦学，都将会令你的人生褶褶生辉。“天才出于勤奋”，“天才是百分之一的灵感，加上百分之九十九的汗水。”都说明勤奋与苦学的巨大作用，对人生难以比拟的影响。人生深入地进行创造，甚至创新，开辟人生的丰收景象。

53. In life, one must endure solitude, be eager to learn, and also bear the loneliness. "There is a path to the mountain of books, hard work is the way; the sea of knowledge has no end, toil is the boat." Diligence and hard study will brighten your life with luster. "Genius is the product of diligence," "Genius is one percent inspiration, and ninety-nine percent perspiration." Both of these statements illustrate the tremendous impact of diligence and hard work, which are unparalleled in life. To delve deeply into creation, even innovation, and open up a bountiful landscape in life.

54. 21如果他要坐十年牢，那他十年内都出不来了。

54. If he has to serve ten years in prison, he won't be able to get out for the next ten years.

55. 那天超市里卷纸便宜卖，我一下就买了3大包，当我提着卷纸出来的时候恰巧碰到一个女同事。她非常惊讶的说：“没想到你这么瘦，竟然身体这么好啊。”我疑惑的说：“就这么几卷纸一点都不重吧”女同事无语：“我又不是说这个。”

55. That day, toilet paper was on sale at the supermarket, and I bought three large packs all at once. When I was carrying the toilet paper out, I happened to run into a female colleague. She was very surprised and said, "I didn't expect you to be so thin, yet your body is in such good shape." I疑感地说, "It's not that heavy, just a few rolls of paper." The female colleague was speechless: "I wasn't talking about that."

56. 第五名

56. Fifth place

57. 25倒草倒掉稻，草倒稻也倒。倒草别倒稻，倒稻别倒草。

57. If you turn over the grass, the rice will fall over; if you turn over the rice, the grass will fall over. Don't turn over the grass while turning over the rice; don't turn over the rice while turning over the grass.

58. 17过个情人节还非得带个情人出来玩阿，那过清明节，我是不是还得整俩鬼出来呢。

58. Why do I have to bring a lover out to play on Valentine's Day? Then on Qingming Festival, do I have to summon two ghosts as well?

59. 有一次我哥上树挖鸟巢，下来后给了我一个最大的蛋。他自己养了几个小的。

59. One time, my brother climbed a tree to dig out a bird's nest, and when he came down, he gave me the biggest egg. He raised a few small ones himself.

60. 7这篇文章分享废话文学，顾名思义就是把废话文学分享了。

60. 7 This article shares nonsense literature, as the name implies, which means sharing nonsense literature.

61. 23苦读古书懂古通古熟古，不读古书不懂古不通古糊涂古。

61. Only by diligently studying ancient books can one understand the ancient, be familiar with the ancient, and be clear about the ancient. Not reading ancient books leads to not understanding the ancient, being unfamiliar with the ancient, and being confused about the ancient.

62. 你在上海有房子吗？

62. Do you have a house in Shanghai?

63. 28周瑜打黄盖，打人的是周瑜，挨打的是黄盖。

63. Zhou Yu beats Huang Gai in a fight, with Zhou Yu being the one who fights and Huang Gai being the one who receives the blows.