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1. 小时候我妈教我用筷子，我学不会，还骂我。长大后，我教我妈玩手机，她却学不会骂我。

1. When I was little, my mom taught me how to use chopsticks, but I couldn't learn it and she scolded me. As I grew up, I taught my mom how to use a smartphone, but she couldn't learn it without scolding me.

2. 许个愿:希望过年了，这样亲戚们就能守口如瓶，不用担心我了。

2. Make a wish: I hope that by the time New Year comes, my relatives will keep their mouths shut and not worry about me.

3. 好烦，突然发现脸皮厚没用，风还是会冷。

3. So annoying! Suddenly realized that having a thick skin is useless, the wind will still be cold.

4. 当上帝遇到真爱的时候，可以放个背景音乐提醒他吗？

4. Can God play some background music to remind him when he encounters true love?

5. 永远保持一半神秘感给别人，就像我的体重。我只会告诉别人我90斤，剩下90斤无可奉告。

5. Always maintain half a sense of mystery for others, like my weight. I will only tell others I weigh 90 jin, and the other 90 jin is not something I can disclose.

6. 心锁恋爱中(锁了但没完全锁好，钥匙在门框上，185可以够到)

6. In love with a heart lock (locked but not fully locked, the key is on the door frame, 185 can reach it)

7. 铁身体，磁铁床，就是起不来，怎么办？

7. Iron body, magnet bed, can't get up even though I try, what should I do?

8. 身上的肥肉从不离身，口袋里的钱善变不忠诚。

8. The flab on one's body never leaves, and the money in one's pocket is fickle and unfaithful.

9. 我现在连头发都留不住了。我希望保留什么？

9. I can't even keep my hair now. What do I hope to retain?

10. 刚刚看到好姐妹在路上捡矿泉水瓶，很不开心。没想到曾经的姐姐变成了竞争对手。

10. Just saw my good sister picking up mineral water bottles on the road, and I feel very unhappy. I didn't expect that the sister I used to have was now a competitor.

11. 我有点羡慕舔狗。他至少敢上去舔狗。不敢靠近我的人叫什么？

11. I'm a bit envious of the guy who's a 'lapdog'. At least he dares to lick the lapdog. What do you call someone who doesn't dare to get close to me?

12. 刚刚有人问我，你每天都减肥吗？真有趣。你还是每天去上班。你有存款吗？

12. Just now someone asked me, "Do you lose weight every day?" That's interesting. You still go to work every day. Do you have savings?

13. 大家好。我是玉米。如果你惹我，我就是爆米花。

13. Hello everyone. I am Corn. If you惹me, I become popcorn.

14. 我真的不知道为什么我的房间这么乱。我就是躺在床上玩手机。

14. I really don't know why my room is so messy. I'm just lying in bed playing with my phone.

15. 酒开了要醒5分钟，但是醒了就要马上去上学。

15. The wine should be decanted for 5 minutes, but after decanting, you should go to school immediately.

16. 快年底了。总结一点，一般来说，穷人相对稳定。

16. It's nearing the end of the year. In summary, generally speaking, the poor are relatively stable.

17. 难过就给我打电话，我挂了让你更难过。

17. Call me if you're feeling sad; I'll hang up to make you sadder.

18. 我突然意识到一个很严重的问题。以我现在的社会状态，结婚能不能坐满一桌，是一个很严重的问题。

18. I suddenly realized a very serious issue. With my current social status, whether I can fill a table with people for a wedding is a very serious problem.

19. 我们都爱过，伤过，痛过，恨过，但都没瘦过。

19. We have all loved, been hurt, suffered, and hated, but none of us have ever lost weight.

20. 每天醒来，像奥特曼一样接受新的打击。

20. Wake up every day, like Ultraman, to face new challenges.

21. 能不能找个班？一打开朋友圈，就是在刷屏。

21. Can you find a class? As soon as I open my朋友圈, it's just a flood of posts.

22. 救命啊！这么冷的天我还得去上班。我和卖火柴的小女孩有什么区别？

22. Oh, save me! On such a cold day, I still have to go to work. What's the difference between me and the little girl selling matches?

23. 晚上想哭，但是不敢哭。电热毯弄湿了我怕我会被电死。

23. I want to cry at night, but I dare not. The electric blanket got wet, and I'm afraid I might get electrocuted.

24. 生活是一条狗，但我不敢骂它。我害怕它会疯狂地咬我。

24. Life is a dog, but I dare not curse it. I'm afraid it will bite me ferociously.

25. 我从小就害怕黑暗。小时候因为不敢看黑板，所以成绩不好。

25. I have been afraid of the dark since I was a child. When I was young, I was afraid to look at the blackboard, so my grades were not good.

26. 我发誓我再也不熬夜了。如果我再熬夜，我就再骂人。

26. I swear I will never stay up late again. If I do stay up late again, I will swear at someone again.

27. 又天亮了，不管我困不困。

27. And once again, daybreak came, regardless of whether I was tired or not.

28. 生活不易猪叹息叹息。

28. Life is hard, the pig sighs and sighs.

29. 你觉得我会难过吗？我吃了几年的义郎，心已经在外太空了。

29. Do you think I would be sad? I've been eating my brother's share for several years, and my heart has already been in outer space.

30. 我大概是胖了，反正穿不了。这块肥肉没有来源。我悲伤地看着那些衣服。这件是我的，那件是我的，但是现在我一件也不能穿了。这么说吧，大概是时候买几件衣服了！

30. I must have gained weight, because I can't wear them. This excess fat has no source. I look at those clothes with sadness. This one is mine, and that one is mine, but now I can't wear any of them. To put it another way, it might be time to buy a few new pieces of clothing!