“自古英雄出少年，今日吾辈又如何？且看吾辈笑话子，谱写青春华章篇。”

"Since ancient times, heroes have emerged in youth. How are we today? Let's see what jokes we make, and compose a chapter of youthful glory."

1. 4人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。

1. Life has no rehearsal, every day is a live broadcast, not only with low viewership, but also with a low salary.

2. 5有时突然听到某某和某某恋爱的消息，就像听到了孟婆和阎王恋爱的消息一样。什么意思只有鬼才知道他们是怎么走到了一起。(@夏正正)

2.5 Sometimes, we suddenly hear the news that someone is in a relationship with someone else, just like hearing the news that the goddess of forgetfulness is in a relationship with King Yama. What does that mean? Only the ghosts know how they ended up together. (@Xia Zhengzheng)

3. 不要用虚伪的善良来掩饰自己丑陋的内心。

3. Do not use false kindness to cover up your ugly inner self.

4. 葫芦丝：首先俺可不是菜，和土豆丝、三丝不一类，虽然俺外形像葫芦，但俺这葫芦从不卖药，俺玩的是艺术！

4.葫芦丝：First of all, I'm not just a vegetable, not in the same category as potato strings or three-strand vegetables. Although I look like a gourd, my gourd never sells medicine. What I do is art!

5. 每个镜头，都会让我不知所措，每个幸福，都会让我无声难过。就像我看到别人的微笑，怎么找都找不到属于我的快乐。

5. Every shot leaves me at a loss, every happiness makes me silently sorrowful. Just like when I see someone else's smile, I can't seem to find my own joy anywhere.

6. 历史除了人名是真的，其余都是假的。小说除了人名是假的，其余都是真的。

6. In history, only the names of people are true, and everything else is false. In novels, only the names of people are false, and everything else is true.

7. 处在高处，就举目远眺，跌落低处，也静心欣赏

7. When at a high place, look far into the distance; when at a low place, still appreciate with a calm heart.

8. 7一个小学5年级的女孩，因为胸部发育被同班女生嘲笑，回家向母亲哭诉。她妈安慰她：不要紧，她们顶多笑你两年，你以后至少可以嘲笑她们二十年!

8. A 5th-grade girl in elementary school was ridiculed by her classmates for her breast development and cried to her mother at home. Her mother comforted her: Don't worry, they can only laugh at you for two years at most, but you can mock them for at least twenty years in the future!

9. 第三层，吹的自己都信了，吹完自己中了**路过4s店直接进去提车，直到刷卡时还以为是4s店的pos机坏了。

9. On the third level, I was so convinced by my own boasts that after boasting, I ended up going into a 4S store directly to pick up the car. It wasn't until I swiped the card that I realized the 4S store's POS machine was probably broken.

10. 超越自己，向自己挑战，向弱项挑战，向懒惰挑战，向陋习挑战。

10. Go beyond yourself, challenge yourself, challenge your weaknesses, challenge laziness, challenge bad habits.

11. 我现在文科也不好，理科也不好，只能去学魔法了。

11. Now I'm not good at liberal arts, and I'm not good at science either, so I can only go and study magic.

12. 家里已经把办丧事的一切行头都准备好，就等着你死了。

12. The family has already prepared all the necessities for the funeral, just waiting for you to die.

13. 以前一直觉得蒙娜丽莎不漂亮，直到她换了个刘海，戴上了黑框眼镜。

13. I used to think Mona Lisa wasn't beautiful until she changed her bangs and wore black-rimmed glasses.

14. 钱重要吗？我认为有的时候不重要，不信把你扔到一个无人区，十天之后，我带着一百万和一碗大米饭去给你选，你一定会选大米饭！

14. Is money important? I think sometimes it's not. Don't believe me? Just throw you into a desert area, and after ten days, I'll go to choose for you with one million yuan and a bowl of rice, you will definitely choose the bowl of rice!

15. 我妈问我怎么不收拾收拾房间，笑话，我可是乱室佳人。

15. My mom asked me why I didn't tidy up my room. Ha-ha, I am a charming mess.

16. 要不亲自来给我幸福，要么从今以后别干涉我的幸福

16. If you won't come to bring me happiness yourself, then don't interfere with my happiness from now on.

17. 什么是代沟？就是换上新衣服，在老妈面前走了一圈说：妈，有范吗？老妈看了我一眼说：有，在锅里，自己盛去。

17. What is a generation gap? It's like wearing new clothes, walking around in front of your mom and saying, "Mom, do I look cool?" Mom gave me a glance and said, "Yes, they're in the pot, go fetch them yourself."

18. 我奉劝你别触及我的底线，否则你承担不起后果

18. I advise you not to cross my bottom line, or you won't be able to bear the consequences.

19. 3牧师的女儿在楼上睡觉，哭了，牧师上楼问她为何哭。 爸爸，我怕。 不怕，小宝贝。上帝和你在一起。 爸爸，你来跟上帝在一起吧，我下去跟妈妈在一起，好不好

19. The daughter of the pastor was sleeping upstairs and cried, so the pastor went up to ask her why she was crying. "Dad, I'm scared." "Don't be afraid, little one. God is with you." "Dad, would you come up to be with God? I'll go down to be with Mom, okay?"

20. 27一个人在这座城市，为了填饱肚子就已经精疲力尽了，还谈什么理想。

20. 27 A single person in this city is already exhausted just trying to fill their stomach, let alone talking about ideals.

21. 1上帝是公平的，给了你一张丑的脸，一定还会再给你一个没钱的家。

21. 1 God is fair; if He gave you an ugly face, He will surely also give you a poor home.

22. 10为什么你老是遇到渣男 给我他妈的好好反思一下是不是因为自己太漂亮

22. Why do you always meet渣男? Give me a good think about whether it's because you're too beautiful.

23. 我爸面对我发胖一事发表了看法：没有韩红的命，还得了韩红的病。

23. My father commented on my weight gain: I don't have Han Hong's destiny, yet I've contracted Han Hong's illness.

24. 以前有个孤岛，不知道为什么人都消失了，就剩两个男人和一个奇丑无比的女人，一个忍不住和女的结婚了！另一个苦苦等待了十八年，他笑了因为那两个人生了个女儿，还挺漂亮！

24. There was once an isolated island where, for some unknown reason, everyone disappeared, leaving only two men and an extremely ugly woman. One of them couldn't resist and got married to the woman! The other man waited patiently for eighteen years, and he smiled because the two of them had a daughter, who was quite pretty!

25. 有一些妹子们卖萌，把我故意打成莪，我大概明白她们的意思了

25. Some girls are being cute and deliberately misspelling my name as '莪', I think I understand what they mean.

26. 我：亲爱的，你喜欢我淑女点呢？还是风骚点呢？男友：我就希望你能像我前女友那样能够默默无闻付出。我：你TM还前女友？我怎么不知道！男友：充气的，用完就扔一边，她从来都毫无怨言。

26. Me: Darling, do you like me more as a lady or as a slut? Boyfriend: I just hope you can be as selfless as my ex-girlfriend. Me: You still have an ex-girlfriend? How did I not know that! Boyfriend: Like an inflatable doll, used and thrown aside, she never had a word of complaint.

27. 积极思考造成积极人生，消极思考造成消极人生。

27. Positive thinking leads to a positive life, while negative thinking leads to a negative life.

28. 等咱有了钱，就去换芯片换鼠标。妈的!想换奔四装换奔四，想换光电换光电，鼠标一次换两个，左手用一个，右手用一个。

28. When we have money, we'll change the chips and the mouse. Dammit! I want to switch to a Pentium 4 and switch to a Pentium 4, I want to switch to an optical one and switch to an optical one, change two mice at a time, use one with my left hand and one with my right hand.

29. 笛子：都知道俺心眼多，但俺心眼不坏，虽然俺的名气都是吹出来的，但这一点都不影响俺在舞台上的地位。

29.笛子: Everyone knows that I have a lot of heart, but my intentions are good. Although all my fame is hyped up, it doesn't affect my status on the stage at all.

30. 当你说自己又胖又丑的时候。记得微笑，而不是悲伤。

30. When you say to yourself that you are both fat and ugly, remember to smile, not to be sad.

31. 上天给我们安排了命运，却忘记了给我们说明书。

31. The heavens have arranged our destiny, but forgot to provide us with an instruction manual.

32. 奈何桥上，一男子忧伤的对孟婆说：孟婆，再来一碗吧！你已经喝完二十碗了，我这都没了。男子眼中闪着泪光：可是她还在！孟婆：奶奶的，黑白无常出来，有人砸场子来了！

32. On the Bridge of Samsara, a man said sorrowfully to the Soul-Bothering Old Woman, "Old Woman, give me another bowl! You've already given me twenty bowls, and I've nothing left. His eyes shimmered with tears: But she is still here!" The Soul-Bothering Old Woman: Dammit, the Black and White Executioners have shown up, someone's trying to make a scene!

33. 雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。

33. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single thing in his diary.

34. 不努力的女生，会有买不完的地摊货，逛不完菜市场。努力的女生，你就没时间逛地摊，因为你只能加班叫外卖逛淘宝！

34. Lazy girls will have endless street market goods to buy and endless vegetable markets to visit. Hardworking girls, you won't have time to逛 street markets because you'll only have time to work overtime, order takeout, and shop on Taobao!

35. 我不是你，做不出你想要的模样，更做不到你心中的那么完美

35. I am not you, and I cannot shape myself into the image you desire, nor can I achieve the perfection in your heart.

36. 羽西:你是那些丑陋岁月的容器。你对我不再是单纯的情感。

36. Yu Xie: You are the vessel of those ugly years. You are no longer just an emotion to me.

37. 亲爱的，你总是说我爱吹牛，那么请听我说：“为了你，我可上九天揽月，可下五洋捉鳖！”因为：那“月”是你，那“鳖”也是你！

37. Darling, you always say that I like to boast, so please listen to me: "For you, I could reach up to the nine heavens to pluck the moon, and dive down to the five oceans to catch the turtle!" Because: that "moon" is you, and that "turtle" is also you!

38. 吹牛最高境界就是自己先相信，再去感染别人，自己都不信，别人怎么会有同感。

38. The highest level of boasting is to first believe in oneself and then infect others. If you yourself don't believe it, how can others have a sense of共鸣?

39. 家里的垃圾知清倒，心坎的垃圾不知「倒」。女子厚道不贪婪，男人行端勤廉政

39. The garbage at home is known to be cleared away, but the garbage in the heart is not known how to "dispose" of. Women are generous and not greedy, while men conduct themselves with integrity and work diligently and cleanly.

40. 中国好声音，在小学生眼里，就是最动听的下课铃声。

40. The Voice of China, in the eyes of elementary school students, is the most melodious bell for the end of class.

41. 猛的一看你不怎么样，仔细一看还不如猛的一看。

41. At a first glance, you don't seem very impressive, but upon closer inspection, you're actually less impressive than at a first glance.

42. 新生没一个正经的，都不去抢学长学姐，就一个劲的抢饭吃。

42. None of the new students are serious; they don't bother to compete with the senior students for their attention, but instead, they just keep fighting over meals.

43. 我觉得一定有很多人暗恋我，因为这么多年了，也没有人跟我表白!

43. I feel there must be a lot of secret admirers for me, because after all these years, no one has ever confessed their love to me!

44. 15你是什么牌子的塑料袋 这么能装

44. What brand of plastic bag are you, that you can carry so much?

45. 不怪他、不恨他的方法最。方是透明的，有一仇比要害。

45. The best way not to blame him or hate him is to be transparent. There's a grudge that is more harmful.

46. 女人直到失去童贞才知道爱情的丑陋吗？

46. Does a woman only learn the ugliness of love when she loses her virginity?

47. 当我发现所有wifi都有密码的时候，我深深地感受到了这个世界的恶意。

47. When I found out that all Wi-Fi networks have passwords, I deeply felt the malice of this world.

48. 生活就像洋葱头你只能一层一层地把它剥开，有时你还得流泪。

48. Life is like an onion, you can only peel it off layer by layer, and sometimes you have to shed tears.

49. 我的意中人是个盖世英雄，有一天他会三段位移闪现进塔来娶我，我猜中了前头，却猜不中这泼猴上来就是一棍子。

49. My future husband is a world-renowned hero who will one day flash in with a triple displacement and come to marry me. I guessed right about the first part, but I couldn't have predicted that this rascal would come at me with a single blow.

50. 3有一位上亿资产的寡妇，已近50岁了，但风韵犹存，看起来比实际年龄年轻许多。后来她和一位英俊潇洒的男人结婚了，那男人只有30岁。你们年纪相差那么多，他怎么肯娶你呢寡妇的闺中密友问。我瞒了年龄。寡妇回答。你说你只有30岁朋友问。错了。寡妇说，我骗他说我已经70岁了!

50. 3 There was a widowed woman with assets in the hundreds of millions, who was nearly 50 years old but still had a graceful charm, looking much younger than her actual age. Later, she married a handsome and dashing man who was only 30 years old. "You are so much older than him, why would he agree to marry you?" asked the widowed woman's close friend. "I concealed my age," the widowed woman replied. "You said you are only 30 years old," asked the friend. "Wrong," the widow said, "I deceived him by telling him I am already 70 years old!"

51. 学霸晒成绩，模特晒身材，土豪晒有钱，女神晒自拍，老子晒太阳。

51. The academic star shows off their grades, the model shows off their figure, the tycoon shows off their wealth, the goddess shows off their selfies, and I show off the sun.

52. 在你心里，俄罗斯永远是个小丑，你对俄罗斯的爱是伟大的。

52. In your heart, Russia is always a clown, and your love for Russia is great.

53. 小提琴：俺地位比较高，工作时都要踩着主人的肩膀，与“头”走得最近，但俺从不居高自傲，和一把手配合得相当好，因此俺一向很受欢迎。

53. Violin: My status is quite high, and when I work, I have to step on the master's shoulder. I walk closest to the "head," but I never become proud and haughty. I get along quite well with the leader, so I have always been very popular.

54. TM的男人别说话不算数，说爱了有本事就不要放手

54. The men of TM, don't be unreliable with your words. If you say you love someone, then have the courage not to let go.

55. 今天好多阿姨说我长得帅，那为什么你们不把女儿介绍给我！

55. Many aunts said today that I look handsome, so why don't you introduce your daughters to me!

56. 我为了形容自己适应能力强、能吃苦耐劳，就在简历上声称自己犹如沙漠里的仙人掌。工作能不能应聘上，简历有一半的作用，如果把简历写好了，那么也就能跟招聘方留下好的印象和深刻的印象。不过简历这东西，除了身份信息和学历信息以外，其他基本都是半真半假，所以我个人认为简历并不能证明能力，它只不过是一张“申请入职”的申请书信而已。

56. To describe my strong adaptability and ability to endure hardships, I claimed in my resume that I am like a cactus in the desert. Half of the success in getting a job interview depends on the resume. If the resume is well-written, it can leave a good and profound impression on the employer. However, besides the personal and educational information, the rest of the resume is mostly a mix of truth and lies. Therefore, I personally believe that a resume cannot prove one's abilities; it is merely a letter of application for "entry into employment."

57. 最近脸很憔悴，长满痘痘，再加上胖。自拍的时候感觉很丑。

57. Lately, my face looks tired and full of acne, and to top it off, I've gained weight. I feel ugly when taking selfies.

58. 出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。

58. When problems arise, first look for reasons within yourself; don't blame the Earth for not having gravity just because you're constipated.

59. “女生对男生污是什么感受”“合得来的可以同流合污”

59. "What is the feeling when girls are rude to boys?" "If they get along well, they can be corrupt together."

60. 等咱有了钱，就去上酒店叫野鸡。妈的!想要土鸡就叫土鸡，想要洋鸡就叫洋鸡，叫鸡一次就俩个，嫖一个，退一个。

60. When we have money, we'll go to a hotel and call for streetwalkers. Dammit! If you want a local chicken, call it a local chicken, and if you want a foreign chicken, call it a foreign chicken. When you call for a chicken, there are two, one to stay and one to leave.

61. 你在或者不在，我就在这里，等着你能再次回头

61. Whether you are here or not, I am here, waiting for you to turn back again.

62. 31过了这个村，依旧有这个店，因为，是连锁店。

62. 31 Passed this village, there is still this store because it is a chain store.

63. 45有些人，认真的让你心疼，有些人，欠扁的让你牙疼。

63. 45 Some people are serious to the point of making you ache in your heart, and some are so annoying that they give you a toothache.

64. 我掌握了100种疼女朋友的办法，现在就差女朋友了。

64. I've mastered 100 ways to make my girlfriend feel hurt, but now I just need a girlfriend.

65. 没有一个人会出现在你生命里两次，这样教不会你珍惜

65. No one will appear in your life twice, which won't teach you to cherish.

66. 13除了娶你和转账 光说说而已的喜欢和想念都别太当真 嘘寒问暖不如打笔巨款

66. 13 Besides marrying you and transferring money, don't take those empty words of liking and missing you too seriously. It's better to send a big sum of money than to ask after each other's welfare.

67. 12冰冻三尺非一日之寒，小腹三层非一日之馋!

67. It takes more than one day for the ice to be three feet thick, and it takes more than one day of greed for the waistline to expand three layers!

68. 把手握紧我失去了所有，把手放开我才会拥有自己想要的

68. Clutching tightly, I lose everything; letting go, I'll possess what I truly want.

69. 女生聊天一般不会语音，女生跟你聊天用语音，你和她的关系绝对不一般，把给你的备注删掉，她也能一眼看出是你发的消息。

69. Girls usually don't chat via voice. If a girl chats with you using voice, it's a sign that your relationship with her is special. Delete the note you've given her, and she can still tell it's a message from you at a glance.

70. 凭什么我没有一个美得惊世骇俗的同桌，而我同桌却有。

70. Why don't I have a desk mate who is stunningly beautiful like my desk mate does?

71. 9据说航天员吃的粽子是甜的，甜派表示：作为第一枚进入外太空的粽子，它决定了未来宇宙粽子的标准。咸派反击：这就是甜粽子滚出地球的意思，你不懂。[

71. 9 It is said that the zongzi eaten by astronauts is sweet. The sweet camp says: As the first zongzi to enter outer space, it sets the standard for future cosmic zongzi. The salty camp反击：This means that sweet zongzi should roll out of the Earth, you don't understand.

72. 如果美丽是一种罪，那我已经犯下了滔天大罪。

72. If beauty is a sin, then I have committed an unforgivable sin.

73. 世界上本来是没路的，乱走的人多了，搞得我不知道怎么走了。

73. Originally, there were no paths in the world. With so many people wandering around, I'm at a loss for how to proceed.

74. 那天我心血来潮，用你的照片作电脑桌面，我靠，居然中电脑病毒了。

74. On that day, I was feeling whimsical and used your photo as the computer desktop. Oh my, I actually got a computer virus.

75. 你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死吗？我会闭上眼睛的！

75. Do you think I would just stand by and watch you go to your death? I would close my eyes!

76. 因为俺不是一个普通人，所以我一直都不说普通话。

76. Because I am not an ordinary person, I have never spoken Mandarin.

77. 星巴克是一家以咖啡店为主题的照相馆，肯德基麦当劳是以快餐店为主题的公共厕所，学校是一所以学习为主题的婚姻介绍所。

77. Starbucks is a photo studio themed around coffee shops, KFC and McDonald's are public toilets themed around fast-food restaurants, and the school is a marriage introduction agency themed around education.

78. 23男人的大脑喜欢女人的内心，但是眼睛喜欢女人的外表。

78. Men's brains prefer women's inner selves, but their eyes are drawn to women's appearances.

79. 挣钱是一种能力，花钱是一种技术，我能力有限，技术却很高。

79. Earning money is a skill, spending money is an art, and I have limited skills but high art.