1. 一句话的事儿，一句话能成事儿，一句话能坏事儿，一句话能产生一个和谐的社会。

1. It's just a matter of one sentence. A sentence can bring things to pass, can spoil things, and can create a harmonious society.

2. 我劝您，千万不要再一棵树上吊死，在旁边那棵树上多试几次。

2. I advise you not to keep hanging yourself on one tree; try a few more times on the tree next to it.

3. 女上司责骂我的工作状态，我一直低头不语。这样的反应可能激怒了她，她一改平静的语气，咆哮道：你为什么不说话，你不服吗！我解释说：不是，我女朋友不让我跟漂亮女人说话！

3. My female superior scolded my work status, and I kept my head down and said nothing. Such a reaction might have angered her, and she changed her calm tone to a roar: Why aren't you talking, don't you agree with me! I explained: No, my girlfriend doesn't let me talk to beautiful women!

4. 司马迁在受到残酷的宫刑之后，忍辱苟活，因为他知道“不孝有三，无后为大”，所以……评论：所以……怎么样？！难道找个小攻搞男男生子么？

4. After being subjected to the cruel punishment of castration in the palace, Sima Qian endured the shame and lived on, because he knew that "there are three unfilial acts, and not having descendants is the greatest." So... Comment: So... What's up?! Are you planning to find a young stud for same-sex parenting?

5. “您感觉您亲家现在是不是很伟大”“伟的太大了，把我都伟进去了”

5. "Do you feel that your son-in-law is very great now?" "He's so great that he's made me feel great too."

6. 恶心妈妈抱着恶心哭得很伤心，为什么呢？因为恶心死了

6. The ugly mother is holding the ugly child crying in despair, why? Because the ugly child is too repulsive.

7. 为何我的眼中总饱含泪水？因为我装逼装得深沉。

7. Why are my eyes always brimming with tears? Because I'm posing so deeply.

8. 我们班主任，在一次午休巡查时。他收了六个手机，然后就当着我们的面砸手机。等砸完，班主任吃惊的看着地上有七个手机。下面有一位同学突然大喊：老师你真任性！连自己的都不放过。

8. Our class teacher, during a patrol during the afternoon nap, seized six cell phones and then smashed them in front of us. After he was done, the teacher was surprised to see that there were seven cell phones on the ground. One of the students suddenly shouted, "Teacher, you're so任性! You don't even spare your own."

9. 上联百善孝为先，常回家看看；下联：万恶*为首，去走走。

9. The top couplet: The greatest of virtues is filial piety, often go home to visit; The bottom couplet: The root of all evil is arrogance, go out and see.

10. 你看我的眼睛像不像孙红雷，我的嘴像不像姚晨，我是翠平和余则成的儿子。

10. You see, my eyes look like Sun Honglei's, and my mouth looks like Yao Chen's. I am the son of Cui Ping and Yu Zereng.

11. 昨天，中午我收到一条短信：请将钱打入这个账号XXX。半个小时后我回：已打入五千元，请查收。第二天，我收到：都跑银行三趟了，你这个骗子。

11. Yesterday, at noon, I received a text message: Please transfer the money to this account XXX. Half an hour later, I replied: I have transferred 5,000 yuan, please check it. The next day, I received: I have gone to the bank three times, you are a fraudster.

12. 世界上最远的距离、不是生与死、而是同样犯了错误、你在教室里、我在办公室里。

12. The greatest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when we both make the same mistake, you're in the classroom and I'm in the office.

13. 这种感觉太神奇了，抱着你就像抱着别人的老婆。

13. This feeling is so amazing, holding you is like holding someone else's wife.

14. 身穿地摊货，脚蹬温州鞋，全身上下加起来不超过200元，只有手里的包算是高级皮包，因为它的英文名就叫Gaojipibao。

14. Wearing cheap street goods and wearing Wenzhou shoes, the total cost of the whole outfit is no more than 200 yuan. Only the bag in hand counts as a high-end leather bag, because its English name is Gaojipibao.

15. 我去找一个有房子的男朋友，你去找一个不要房的丈母娘吧！

15. I'll look for a boyfriend who has a house, and you go find a mother-in-law who doesn't require a house!

16. 我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。

16. I'm not a fortune teller on the square, I can't spout as much of the stuff you like to hear.

17. 真正的好朋友，并不是在一起就有聊不完的话题，而是在一起，就算不说话，也不会觉得尴尬。

17. A true good friend is not one who always has endless topics to talk about when together, but rather someone who, when together, does not feel awkward even if they don't speak.

18. 有一次我上街，一群女孩把我拦住，她们说我帅，我不承认，她们就打我，还说我虚伪。

18. Once, when I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me and told me I was handsome. I didn't admit it, and they started hitting me, calling me insincere.

19. 日出只要在日落前出现就好，上课只要在下课前到达就好。

19. It's enough for the sunrise to appear before sunset, and for the class to arrive before it ends.

20. 哪个没心没肺的人，没有一段为某人掏心掏肺的曾经。

20. Who among the heartless has not once poured their heart out for someone?

21. 尽管司马迁多次遭受宫刑，但他忍受住一次又一次的痛苦，还是以顽强的毅力写出了伟大的《史记》。评论：一次又一次？司马爷爷你那里难道是春风吹又生？

21. Although Sima Qian suffered palace punishment multiple times, he endured the pain over and over again, and still wrote the great "Records of the Grand Historian" with indomitable perseverance. Comment: Over and over again? Grandpa Sima, is it like the spring breeze brings new growth in your place?

22. 谎言与誓言的区别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。

22. The difference between a lie and a vow lies in: one is believed by the listener, and the other is believed by the speaker.

23. 政府想着怎么合理征税，老板想着怎么合理避税，而我想着怎么合理多睡！

23. The government is thinking about how to tax reasonably, the boss is thinking about how to avoid taxes reasonably, while I am thinking about how to sleep more reasonably!

24. 自从挂上她这照片，家里就没闹过耗子，耗子一看这小眼睛认亲呐！

24. Since hanging her photo up, there hasn't been a single mouse in the house. The mice recognize their relative from those little eyes!

25. 你为什么不找个安静的地方自个儿数数脑细胞儿去？

25. Why don't you find a quiet place to count your brain cells by yourself?

26. 你的眼睛出卖了你的心，你的眉毛出卖了你的眼睛。

26. Your eyes betray your heart, and your eyebrows betray your eyes.

27. 我的愿望是考上一所好大学，找到一个好工作，这样以后才有能力让我的儿子也考上一所好大学，找到一个好工作。评论：为什么我想到了政治书里那个记者采访放羊娃的那段？！

27. My wish is to get into a good university, find a good job, so that in the future, I will have the ability to also let my son get into a good university and find a good job. Comment: Why did I think of that segment in the political book where the journalist interviews the shepherd boy?!

28. 原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。

28. It turns out that once people are separated, no matter how familiar they were originally, they will gradually become distant.

29. 心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。

29. When I'm in a bad mood, I make prank phone calls to others in the middle of the night, waking them up, and then I go to sleep.

30. 女人单位发了一千块钱，她会告诉男人发了一千块钱，告诉自己的朋友发了五百；男人单位发了一千块钱，他会告诉女人发了五百，告诉自己的朋友发了一千五。

30. The woman's unit distributed 1,000 yuan, and she would tell the man that 1,000 yuan was given, and tell her friends that 500 yuan was given; while the man's unit also distributed 1,000 yuan, he would tell the woman that 500 yuan was given, and tell his friends that 1,500 yuan was given.

31. 女人问男人：你爱不爱我 男：爱! 女：那你说我是你一切! 男：对!你就是我一妾!!!

31. The woman asks the man, "Do you love me?" The man replies, "Yes, I do!" The woman says, "Then you should say that I am everything to you!" The man agrees, "That's right! You are my concubine!"

32. 韩愈跟着刘邦去打仗，一天，……评论：又鉴定出一篇为BL穿越文！

32. Han Yu followed Liu Bang into battle, one day, ... Comment: Another BL穿越 text has been identified!